Nolly Posh Dreaming

Finding the way home

2011-11-23T13:26:00.012+11:00

The kids and I have been with Vicki throughout her journey and have watched her battle with such strength and dignity. It has been a long journey, three weeks short of 6 years and throughout we have all been touched by her thoughts, her wisdom, read her many entries to this blog and have seen photos and images through her eyes.

Yesterday afternoon, I sat in her usual place and could see some of the magic she saw and experienced each day, it was all around - I could hear the birds, the wind and see the soft light streaming through the windows of her healing room.

All the while she had been preparing us for when she needed to go home. Early this morning, Vicki started the last few steps to find her way home and I know that Vicki had a warm welcome waiting her with friends and family she loves dearly.

Vicki passed away peacefully and has now arrived home.

Another Hospital, Another Day

2011-11-19T15:02:00.006+11:00

Life has been interesting lately. It seems to have taken me to the edge and back, I feel like the world is flat. I have learnt so much and so have my poor old family, but I think it's all been beneficial. My kids have (even though been under a lot of pressure) manage to complete important studies. My husband has learned a lot about housework!! and my poor old mum and sister have probably spent far more time in hospital than they would have preferred.

In fact, life has been put on hold for a while. The cancer journey continues to have it's ups and downs. At the moment we are looking if it is possible for me to manage at home with some palliative nurses which involves figuring out all my gadgets and meds so everyone can cope on the home front.

I don't know why but a silly song keeps going through my head singing "my boomerang won't come back". I know you are all praying for me because I can feel it and some magical things are happening.. had a special person come to visit me and I received an amazing healing.

So that's it for now folks, my lovely Lara is managing my blog for me, and so I hope all goes well with my bloggy friends and I'll speak again asap.

This is the beautiful garden right outside my room!

A few pictures of me :)

Luv yuvs

xox

Looking through Vicki's windows...

2011-11-05T13:16:00.002+11:00

Springtime

X:-)

When the Ghosties hit town...

2011-10-31T22:31:00.002+11:00

You know it's ~Halloween~

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

X:-)

Into the cocoon i go...

2011-10-23T17:24:00.004+11:00

Okay so we get it now that it is probably the pain meds causing all the problems i am having with breathing... So time to back off... i am hoping that my liver has reduced enough for me to cope without the stronger pain meds... It seems i can take a drug but that there is a time limit when my body will say whoa ENOUGH! So now i am going through withdrawal X:-/ Am pumping myself with the ONE pain med i can take for longer periods and sleeping it all off!

In short i am buried in a cocoon...

Have had some interesting things happen though here in my Sacred Space like... My deceased GrandPa came to quietly visit and some cheeky little monkey put their hand near my face and went "Whaaa!" ...These have happened while i have been wide awake and eyes opened! ...And my dreams man! Hope it is over soon!

At the moment i have a dodgy short term memory... THAT is VERY annoying for someone who is used to multi-multi tasking! But as usual i try to look at the benefits and 'reason' so that i can move myself through this awkward time... Perhaps i am at that point of time now where i need to let go of my material worlde and concentrate on the inner...

i have had to look death in the face lately for example during one of my emergency sprints to hospital they thought that i may have had lung clots... But these 'attacks' of not being able to breathe have had me wondering lately about what dying of cancer might actually involve... Will those last few breaths be difficult? i remember my GrandPa struggling to let go of life... Or will i be surrounded by those gone before me and gently taken from my body? i wonder these things as when i have had these 'bouts' of being unable to breathe, i have had hyperventilating on top of it and it has been such a dreadful, panicky feeling... i don't want my passing to be like this, especially not as it would distress my family so and they have been through enough already... Nurses have told me that this is why some patients will go when their family is not around... To spare them...

Well this is all very morbid isn't it? But you know it shouldn't be... i have always spoken to my children of death and they have been at funerals and cemeteries... We have had 'Spirits' in our house and i have (until i became ill) been a member of a 'Spiritual Circle' and i have had many Spiritual personal experiences... But now it has become more 'real' i guess you could say because now it is ME looking death in the eye! It is just all so very curious and i am one of those types that once she knows the ins and outs of a thing then i feel better...But this is one of those subjects where 'Faith' steps in, where i need to find that inner strength... Testing time perhaps?

So while i rest and recoup and ponder these bigger questions of Life... i will think about you all and remember all the wonderful prayers you have sent my way and i will attempt to find 'my answers' so that i may have the 'Gift of Life' a little longer... For now i have learned to stop and enjoy the Evening-time and have learned to turn off the telly to listen to the bird songs and breathe in the sweetness of a Springtime day... i have learned to stop and listen to my children's wisdom and accept my mother's help and i have learned most importantly that ~Love~ is everything and that it can come in many small and mysterious ways... Most wondrously it can reach me from all corners of the worlde and wrap me like a blanket... And for all these wonderful gifts i am most grateful from the bottom of my Heart and send it back to ~You All~ ten-fold X:-)

(Ps) i'll be back!!! For i am not done yet! *Kisses*

Angels Love Chocolates too...

2011-10-14T15:32:00.006+11:00

Yesterday morning i was sitting quite happily on tha loo, minding my own business, when suddenly an icy coldness crept from my toes to my chest and then my head went all dizzy... Wasting no time i finished up and quickly got to the couch... Unconsciousness looming i started to panic and hyperventilate (again)... This time with no hesitation i asked my husband to call for an ambulance... Last trip in an ambulance the Paramedics said never to hesitate to call and as there is a depot just around the corner the call was made... My mum spoke with them... She had stayed the night before as i had noticed blood in my urine and so she was organised to take me to the doctors about it... Too late! So off i went for another Ambulance trip! By this time i was starting to feel fine and secretly wondering if i could play hooky... But no (Sighhh) once there, the tests began... Bloods were taken and then i was hooked up and given fluids (As i was deemed a little dehydrated)... Then my Oncologist was called and a CT scan was set up (Aaaarrrggghhh! And you KNOW how i feel about THEM!!!) But the staff/nurses/technicians were so incredibly kind and patient and my Doc so gentle and thorough that what could i do but comply (Lol!)
So now after a full day spent in hospital yesterday, i await test results and doc appointments... One little scary thought occurred when during my CT a tech asked me if i had ever had any kidney surgery? No i sighed but i have noticed blood in my urine (Damit!) Although the tests in hospital all showed no bloody urine but some slight sign of infection, so fingers crossed i whispered to myself UNTIL... The very kind nurse said "Good Luck" as they wheeled me back to ED (Emergency Department)...

Last time i heard that from a Radiology Dept i was diagnosed with breast cancer (Do you think i should tell them one day that those words strike fear into hearts of cancer patients?)

So anyway after another blood test this morning (for 'cancer markers' in readiness of my Oncologist visit on Tuesday) hubby and i dropped some chokkies off at the ED... To say ~Thankyou~ for all the kindness and care that ALL the staff (Including the coffee trolley lady!) gave Mum and i (who kindly sat all day on a hard chair to hold my hand through everything) and guess what i got this afternoon? ...A phone call from the Doc who treated me to say ~Thankyou~ for my ~Thankyou~ *Giggle* Isn't that just the sweetest thing ya eva heard ♥ ♥ ♥ Thankyou Universe/God for the ~Angels~ that you send me in all sorts of clothing... Who would have ever thought that Angels love chocolates too!

~Smiling~

xox

The Blue Bird of Happiness...

2011-10-09T14:51:00.004+11:00

For the past week or so...
a little ~Blue Bird~ has been visiting my sister at work
He shows up each day on her window sill
with a little brown Sparrow...

The interesting part of this little story
is that in Australia...
There is no such thing!?!

She is currently trying to get a photo of this little chap...
But he is so quick... That she only has a blurry pic on her mobile
i suggested a little 'seed bell' to slow him down...

i ~Believe~ Spiritually~ he comes with a message for my sister...
that she has yet to contemplate...

Isn't ~Life~ mysterious!

*Giggle*

<3

Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life ~ Pablo Picasso

2011-10-07T10:40:00.001+11:00

My Little Life Glimpses

2011-09-28T09:48:00.005+10:00

Through Vicki's window...

Hail on my decking

Some gorgeous flowers from my local Bus driver Friendz

In a craft store... a little Crissy~Craft idea

My Kitty in Shabby Chic corner

My Lara's first attempt at Fondant making
(Was delicious!)

The 'view' from my couch...

Some small Chrissy gifts...

Getting in 'gift' mode...

Mum found (at a local market) some Dollies...
For my 'Box dollies' craft idea

And last but not least some hand made Felt Slipperz
...aren't they just the cutest!

xox

Sharing with others...

2011-09-24T11:22:00.003+10:00

An email to a Friend...

Dearest *****... Sounds awful X:-( But the immune system attacking itself? What does THAT say to you? About You? That's where i would start (If you haven't already)... With pain control: when you REALLY need it,it is NOT a sin i have learned, as it/the drugs will give you the ~space~ to think (ie) Take your mind off the physical for a bit... Rem God made Doc's too and i have also learned not to see them as the bad guys in the opposite corner to me all the time...Lesson number one for me has been... Put Yourself FIRST!
REALLY put Yourself first... i have told my family i am on a ~Healing Holiday~ which basically means to them that they are sharing the duties with me as i take a step back from my life... It took a little while, but they (and me) after a few dashes to hospital, finally got it! (Remember they are a part of the Journey too)...
So my second thing would be, donot worry about the 'time' it is taking to find the right Doc for you, as it is 'The Universe's' time~table you need to follow... Remember you are NOT alone and when you 'send out' for help then relax with the understanding that you have been heard and help is on the way... i personally ask for 'signs' along the way... (This one took me a little while and is especially hard when you are in pain... So this is why pain relief is important as it will help you slow down to 'be in the listening')...
Third lesson of mine has been the whole BODY IMAGE thing... i have been morphed so many times, that i feel like i am trapped on the set of 'The Matrix' Lol! But i have found that all changes have come with lessons... At one stage i could not bare to look in the mirror even! BUT it is about letting go of control and learning who you REALLY are... inside X:-) i have have real trouble with steroids (which Prednisone is) BUT i must say they are FABULOUS for reducing inflammation which in turn helps your pain... It will put on a little weight with some people, but what i do now (And have just done) is i go on them for a few days, maybe a week at a time so that my own body does not get lazy... Because that is what the Cushings Syndrome i developed was ( i was on Dexamethasone for too long)... My system getting slack and saying to itself well if you are going to produce Cortisole (That is what the steroid does) then i will stop making it and then you puff up... But the one i was on was x5 stronger than Prednisone... Sometimes it will also cause some sleeplessness and you will puff up just a little (and restless leg syndrome can be a temporary effect too) while you are on it and you will feel hungrier... BUT again it will help you with inflammation and so help with your pain, so it is all about knowing what your meds do and working within that knowledge... When you find the right Doc you will know because they will learn to trust you and allow you to take some control over what doses you feel you can cope with... So i guess Lesson number Three would be about getting to know your body and learning not to be afraid to share that with your medical team... Don't be afraid, and fight it like i did Lol! It will only get you all knotted up and confused... RELAXATION is the key and having someone in your life to bounce off and go to Doc appt's with you is also important i have found... As when your body is going through a period like this sometimes your hearing shuts off! The BIGGY for me and probably the FOURTH lesson has been trying always to feel like i did 'before' (ie) 'Normal' again... i have learned that all things change and some things we just need to find Peace within about... The funny thing about THAT though is... As you begin to understand this, then your body starts to' Be' a better kind of 'normal'...
Talking about drugs/pharmaceuticals and being sensitive (like me!) You will find that this is sometimes a good thing as your body will let you know straight away if a thing is good or not for you... This is a really good thing... So i have learned to embrace this too...

***** remember i am not that Brave really... i cry, i shout and get mad at The Universe and my Family sometimes and that is okay i have learned too... But i have found that this sort of helplessness
is usually just that, i am feeling helpless, so arming yourself with information is good... Try out diff Doc's and get diff opinions... Try to weave the mainstream with the 'alternative'... i have discovered that there is not much difference between the two really... Just that the pharmaceutical companies have a little too much power in my opinion and try to categorize you... Don't allow yourself to be 'Labelled', lesson number FIVE for me... EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT and what works for one will often not work for another or it will vary with symptom variation... So i guess the thing to help with that is to DETOX... Don't go bull-at-a-gate, be gentle with yourself but looking at your diet is a BIGGY! Try to eat from fresh and not boxes... It is that simple really and a fresh juice each day is a good way to start, but i think you have already looked at this? i am just looking at ********* syndrome and it is a lot about your mucous membranes... So maybe start with... On an energetic level what does this mean to you? Look at each of the symtoms and consider each one (ie) Swelling (Being stuck in thinking. Clogged painful idea's) Mucus membrane (Layered deposits of old, confused thoughts clogging the channel of elimination. Wallowing in the gummed mire of the past)... This was from Louise Hay's "Heal Your Body'...
But most of all remember that ill health is really 'lessons in disguise' This has been a revelation to me... i have started to ~Live~ since i got so called 'ill'... i had forgotten that i was ~Here~ for ME too! So that Understanding has opened up my Life...It doesn't mean that i am a better or worse person, but i am now a person standing fully and squarely in HER/MY LIFE and in control more that i have ever been... But from 'the outside' i can just look like someone who spends a lot of time on the couch! But from the 'outside' and to 'others' things will look different... But it is not about what others think (Another biggie for me!) ...

Hope some of that helps, it has helped me to share it...
So ~Thankyou~ my lovely friend...
SEE ~EVERYTHING~ has a reason even an email!

X:-)

*Kisses*

xox

My toes have the low down...

2011-09-22T10:11:00.005+10:00

Medical update:

Last Friday i started to get a liver pain that felt like a sharp stab (Right side) on any deep breath ...
Having experienced it once before and it went away, i decided to go with ~resting~ and monitoring... It got worse and by Mon night i was pretty sure that Tues i would be in hospital, as the pain increased and my breathing became more and more labored to the stage where i felt i couldn't breathe... i didn't know it at the time, as i have never experienced it before but i was actually starting to hyperventilate with the stress of the pain
(Had i known i would have simply grabbed a paper bag!)
So Tues morn keeping as calm as i could, i tried to get the kids off to school as quickly as possible (with my husbands help) so that they would not be stressed/affected as i was beginning to feel that i might need to call an ambulance... i managed to get the girls off but poor old Bryce got caught as he was running late (As usual! Lol!)...

i started to feel that i couldn't breathe, i sat down, trying to catch my breath which by this time was simply very short 'in' breaths... Patrick called an ambulance... It got worse and he rang again as they had told him too... My fingers started to get 'pins and needles', then my fingers started to cramp and twist which terrified me, making me panic more and of course puff more!
Then my lips started to tingle and i felt like i was going to faint... Which i have never done before but the feeling was unmistakable, as i felt my worlde closing in on me... losing my peripheral vision... By this time i was absolutely frightened out of my brain, but only JUST able to communicate with short words... i began to wonder if something had burst? The pain was so severe and i considered that perhaps my poor old Liver was failing and i was dying?! i asked Patrick to check on Bryce (Who was up in his bedroom) and check for the ambulance as i felt i was about to... go... somewhere?
I remember thinking rather annoyed... Geez if this is my "Time" where the heck are all my 'Spirit Helpers' to guide me to 'The Light!'
(Lol! i have the luxury of a *Giggle* now in retrospect!) ...

Just at the last moment the ambulance arrives, and a lovely man takes one look at me and says that i am a poor 'ol thing stuck in late stage hyperventilation... Ohhh? Then he asks me to count to 10 between breaths, to stretch out my breathing and allowing me to get some air out again... As my body was shutting down my extremities because my blood chemistry had changed... i listened and i did as instructed and slowly my peripheral vision came back then my lips stopped tingling and my fingers uncurled... Phew!!!

So off i went then for a comfortable trip to hospital in the ambulance with two really lovely Paramedics reassuring me all the way (Is only a 10 minute trip around the corner)...
In hospital in ED (Emergency Department) i go through the usual tests (ie) Bloods and xray and they consider a CT until i chuck up all the contrast! Lol!... Then we recieve notice that my bloods are in fact FABULOUS!!! (Cancer markers all down and 3 even within the 'normal' catergory! Whoo! Hoo!) So combining that with the fact that i have no other signs of problems (ie) No yellowing of skin or eyes and all bodily functions 'normal'... We decide that the approach will be to 'settle' me down and look at some extra pain relief and some anti-nausea... The Doc's in contact with my Oncologist decide that i probably have an injury and inflamation (Of Liver) as a result and/or bleeding tumors, but the x-rays show no anomalies and even if i had bleeding tumors they would not really be able to do anything unless it was a lot and in a cavity they could drain... So another sighhh of relief (As i didn't particularly feel up to any major procedures after the morning i had experienced... Oh did i say i also chucked all over the lounge room floor? Lucky it was only a cup of tea! Lol!) ...So we start the conversation of pain relief...

Due to all my allergies this is tricky, but one clever nurse comes up with the idea of, along with my Fentanyl pain patches (which i use as they are less invasive on my sensitive oral tract, liver and etc) how about i try Indocid (Suppositories) ...Clever i say (nervously!) as again it would be less invasive on my system... And she was right! They are fab as they also act as a strong anti-inflammatory (They are often used i am told for heart patients who want to steer away from straining the upper body as they work from the other end! Lol! and go straight into the blood system with less invasion) ... So by this time it is about 6pm-ish, so i do all my Thankyou's (In the process discovering that one of my nurses lives in the street just behind mine! Lol! Small worlde!) and home i go armed with more patches, suppositories and Panadiene Forte to support the new regime for a bit...

So sitting back now i look at this little experience and start to process it to consider what has just happened to me on an emotional and spiritual level (As up until now we have only addressed the physical) and you know i believe that we heal on all three levels... So i start by looking at my current regime and realize that i need to delegate more jobs around the house particularly those that involve lifting as i feel that i may have caused an injury, as i realise that i can pin point the specific moment and what i was doing when i felt i had physically pushed myself too far... i also note that at the time, my state of mind was in 'stress mode' (Old habits i remind myself)... i also realise that a week before i had had a physical 'warning' (ie) the pain that had just lasted a few days...
I remember then that i had (as a result of that first pain experience) asked "Spirit" for some 'signs'... Something to remind me that i am on the right ~healing~ path, that i am doing the 'right' things, as i had been feeling a little low and unsure at times... Especially as i had been having some pressure by some people to visit when i had not felt up to it...
Then i think again upon what the paramedic had told me and a nurse in the hospital too... They had both commented that i appeared to have a very good understanding and strong connection to my body...The paramedic had told me that i had done really well with controlling the hyperventilating... He had said to me that very few people recover as quickly as i had from late stage hyperventilation and he told me that i must have a very strong mind to be able to do this... And then he had slipped into a story of a friend of his that had an amazing ability to overcome serious health issues, as he too had a strong mind...
This i say to myself is my second 'gift' from Spirit reminding me that i am indeed on the right track (Remember the blood results show that the chemo and my 'resting' is working!) ... First one being the earlier 'warning' pain i had experienced... i then think about my tears in hospital when i had probably released the shock i guess and thought upon the then triggered emotions about my fathers death... He died of a massive asthma attack in his early 50's in 1998 and i think then about the words that had been spoken to me by Spirit through an amazing Medium (Who i have kept in contact with since) My dad had told me through the Medium, who incidentally for the cynical had no knowledge of me at the time and asked me no questions before during or after the reading and only knew my first name, but requested just a simple yes or no when the information given was correct... Of which to my utter surprise, as it was my very first experience of the sort, was absolutely spot on! Down to physical descriptions and full names and she even volunteered information about my father that i didn't even know and had to confirm later with my mother... AND she even corrected me when i spoke the wrong Uncle's name by accident, when more than one relative came for a 'chat'... She told me the age of my father when he died and that i was worried about it and could not release the feelings of guilt i had at him being alone when he died... So my dad had spoken these words to me... "Vicki don't be sad just count to ten slowly and that is how long it took and i was in Spirit, i didn't suffer" ...Count to ten is what the paramedic had asked me to do... i am feeling now that, that is my third 'gift' from Spirit as i now always ask for three confirmations... i won't just take things on face value, i am not gullible and ask from Spirit the same as i ask from my Doctors... i request simple black and white, clear and honest answers to my questions with backing up proof and no more... Perhaps the experience of feeling i was unable to breathe is a part of my healing, because as you know i believe everything has a rhyme and reason and will be written in a language that is pertinent to the individual, both relevant and given with ~Love~ if only we relax the boundaries of our minds... And sometimes i really do need to be knocked over the head with it as my father (and mother) well knows! *Giggle*

So there you go i might beat this so called 'illness' afteral, or at least learn how to live with it, but either way my coin falls, my journey is my journey and i feel i still have so much to learn, experience and give... But i am reminded once again with this current experience, that i am not alone and i can tell you THAT is the True ~Gift~

xox

i am a vine

2011-09-13T12:57:00.005+10:00

i am a twisted vine searching for the sun
i am a wound up spring learning to unwind
Most times the winding, reaching parts of me are bare...
and at other times i am so filled with blossom
that i become dizzy with Life's scent...
This i have come to understand
is the Realizing of myself...
This curling and stretching
is the Becoming of who i am
But this searching is not my weakness
for it is the way i have become Learned in the ways of Life
This twisting are the Lessons
and is the Purpose of my Journey
for i have become the Letting Go
and i have become the Understanding
of the True Beauty beneath the blossom
i am the brown bareness reaching
i am the winding and the turning
and within the twisted coils of my torment
lays my Heart and the True Strength of my Soul

i am a vine

xox

The ups and downs...

2011-09-12T13:25:00.004+10:00

Today i sent this email...

Dear Professor Thomson,

Please accept my apologies for this late follow up, but in the last few months l have had a health setback.I have been in and out of hospital due to side effects to meds and have been really quite ill... (So much so that my husband had to take a month off work to look after me and our family)
So l am contacting you now, to let you know, that l have had disease progression (within my liver and including a lymph node of the pancreas) and due to my situation and my understanding of the Nanoknife procedure, it seems that l would unfortunately no longer fit your criteria for a successful procedure.
So l would like to thank you and your staff very much for the kindness shown me and to let you know that l was very much encouraged by your 'glass half full' attitude towards healing. l wish you all the very best with your future work and may you have much success...

Kindest regards,
Vicki

X:-)

The changing faces of ME

2011-09-05T17:56:00.013+10:00

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words...

So here is a photo stream to tell the story of the ups and downs of my recent times/illness and why i have had myself hidden away on a ~Healing Holiday~

And here i am on this very day!

Nearly back to my old self ...on the outside anyway!

X:-)

OK GO!

2011-08-26T08:50:00.001+10:00

*Giggle*

Something is different about me now

2011-08-14T11:34:00.007+10:00

i'm not sure i know why
and i kind of know how
but i don't seem to have the words
to explain it
even to myself
but ~something~ is different
about me now

i have not been by myself or lost
in this experience
in fact i have felt at times larger than myself
and surrounded and protected
like never before and yet
on this other level
never have i ever
felt such a darkness, such a loneliness
such a fear of myself

This ~difference~
this change
it is subtle
as a whisper
and yet the experience of it
has been as LOUD
and as frightening as the most thunderous lightening cyclone

As those Beloveds
who have stayed close
can attest to
those souls who have been brave enough
not to run
who have loved me enough to say
"We will weather this storm together"

i am still me
and yet i am unlike the person
that ever i was before
something that was ~there~
is now gone
as if i have shed
a part of myself

Essentially of course i will always Be Me
but ~something~ is very different now
as if something has been unraveled
explored
discarded
and resown

i am newer and younger
and yet older and wiser
than i have ever been
something has shifted somehow
and although my attempts to explain
are clumsy
and the words elude me
what i can say with some confidence is...

Something is different about me now

To hell & back wheeeeeee...

2011-08-07T08:55:00.004+10:00

Yes i am back!
After quite a wild ride with modern medicine...
Ended up back in hospital with medication reactions/allergies
Seems morphine and i are NOT the best of friends (Causes vomiting)
...so have found another in pain patches (Fentanyl)
Soooo much easier to tolerate as it is more gentle on my system and slow release
(i need pain relief due to an extended liver again)
And seems the oral chemo may need to be in lower doses as i ended up with...
Ulceration/rashes all over my poor old body and mouth, throat, lips and intestines!
(Will see my Oncologist in a week or so about that)
Whew! and i can tell you now THAT that was the sickest i have EVER felt!
Am unfortunately am back on steroids (YEECH!) but only for a short time
Until things settle...

Have had my fortitude and strength sorely tested lately i must say...
As my family most certainly can attest to...
But Thank God for them as they have all been so wonderful!
As have you guys with your kind wishes and prayers so ~Thankyou~ so much
Hub has taken a months leave to discover his inner "Mr Mom!"
and done a great job holding the fort together while i have literally been immobile
My mum has been wonderful, in and out of hospital with clean washing/clothes
and a shoulder to cry upon... Luv ya mum *Kisses*

And during all the duress my son has turned 16yrs (!!!)
i simply can't believe how fast the time flies! Love you hunny (((Hugs)))
And my eldest (now 18yrs) while studying like a maniac (Doing her VCE)
Has also gained her car license... We are so proud X:-)
And my baby is doing so well in netball that her team is in the Grand Finals again!
i am just so proud of them for coping with all the stress...
...and still keep managing to keep their lives together and the ~Smiles~ on for me

i have also had some amazing ~Energy Work~ help from a great mate of mine Michael...
Who while i was in hospital managed some awesome keeping it all together for me
Love You Mic (((Hugs))) You are truly *magic*

And many more Thankyou's to ~SweetestMango~ who always has my back *Kisses*
and to my wonderful Naturopath/Kinesiologist cousin and her fab 'meds'...
And not forgetting an amazing woman Kharananda
...who is teaching me so much about how to look within...
And sis i haven't forgotten you, always a loving support ~Thankyou~
AND Nana, Aunty Collette, cousin Nicky, Aunty Robyn, Rhonda, my beautiful Shantaya... honestly the list is so long...
i am truly and utterly ~Blessed~

And do you want to know a little something magical?
When i was at my darkest and lowest... i asked for a little sign from the Heavens...
and what did they do???

YEP they sent me another "David"

He was the Doc who turned things around for me in hospital X:-)
Along with the most caring help of all the wonderful nursing staff, Luv ya Roxie!
And with the most wonderful support of Dr Adrian...
who helped me to look into the shadows of my mind literally
by helping me to face one of my darkest fears and having a brain scan
(All clear by the way... There was a brain there afteral!)

i also made a lovely friend in hospital Fiona
who like a soul sista kept me laughing (when i wasn't chucking! Lol!)
and you will stay in my ~Prayers~ Dear girl

Well that's all for now...
Just wanted to let you know that all is well... and the sun is out again

Luv ya's

*Smooches*

UPDATE: Saturday morn...

2011-07-30T11:40:00.004+10:00

i REALLY think i am ~Glowing~ in the dark now!...

Had just completed the PET scan (as you know) and then promptly got really ill (vomiting, diarrhea and PAIN!) and ended up in our local emergency (Hospital)... Had another CT there, came home, got worse went back and then they sent me by ambulance to Monash Moorabin (Cancer centre) the nxt day... Ended up there for a week chucking and trying different meds to control pain, vomiting, diarrhea and THEN constipation (!!!) Finally got home yesterday arvo (and promptly threw up again!)... While in hosp they did another x-ray and a head scan... All clear... Whoo! Hoo!
i am continuing on the oral chemo tablets (Which have given me chemo rash all over my tummy and lower back) morphine pills and panadol (for the pain) and an anti-nausea pill... i think the worst thing about hospital this time around was that i was in a ward with the REALLY sick people and that got a bit depressing and hard to keep my spirits up (Let alone anyone else's!)... And while i was there someone in another room died and well it was all just very sad to say the least and i am very glad to be home... Patrick is organizing another week off until i am off my knees again (Lol!)

BUT in-between all the mayhem of sick people, there were small intimate moments as there always is... Like when the Minister quietly administered to the lady in the bed opposite me and a beautiful serene look overcame her face... Like the Whispered "i love You's" from relatives behind curtained walls... Like the determination of a gentleman in my room who managed (although it must have been so hard) to shower each day without a nurse... Like the gentleness of nurses even though people were very messily ill and distressed ...And not forgetting my stolen moments on the hospital balcony with the sun on my face, filling my Soul...

Thankyou so much for remembering me Hunnies and journeying along with me
...and a special ~Thankyou~ to the wonderful ~Sweetmangomagicalgirl~

LOVES, Loves and loves to You

Vicki xox

What the PET scan said...

2011-07-21T10:18:00.003+10:00

REPORT: Massive hepatomegaly, measuring 22cm superoinferiorly, demonstrated intense uptake (SUV Max 8.79) throughout the entire liver. There is a small focus of increased uptake in the body of pancreas, which may be a pancreatic or peripancreatic nodal depasit. No other site of abnormal uptake is evident...
CONCLUSION: The scan findings are consistant with diffuse hepatic metastasis and a focal pancreatic or peripancreatic nodal metastasis.

GOOD NEWS: Tracer distribution in the lung, spleen, adrenals and bone marrow is within normal limits!!!

TREATMENT DECISION: Oral chemotherapy: Xeloda (Capecitabine) 500g
(4 pills with brekky and 4 with dinner, 2wks on and 1wk off...indefinitely)

*FEELINGS & PLAN: I'll be honest i haven't been well and have been 'couch bound' again... Have had probs with vomiting and diarrhea, which has now calmed...
Before i take my pills i Reiki them (ie) Bless them...
My husband has taken 2 wks off and plans to help me begin a juicing routine...
i feel i am still in with a good chance... My cancer markers (blood) are high again but not a high as in the beginning... My doc says she has another patient successfully on the same oral chemo for 2 years now, so i think to myself... "Why not me too?"

...And so the work begins again

<3

On Wednesday...

2011-07-17T12:23:00.003+10:00

i visited my Naturopath/Kinesiologist...

i spent the first 1/2 hour crying because
EVERYTHING she spoke...
without me uttering a word...
spoke to my ~Heart~

She knew the Language of my Soul
...somehow
Just like *magic*

Sometimes inexplicable things happen
and you just need to go with them...

She did some ~Energy Work~
(Working with my Aura and Chakra's)
which i accepted...
As i believe we are not just skin and bone...
Afteral how does our brain work/communicate with our bodies?
With little electrical impulses of sorts
(Or so they taught me in Science at school)

And i believe i need to Heal on ALL levels of myself

Tomorrow i go back to the Oncologist~ Michelle
and she will give me the results of the PET scan
and my latest bloods...

And so it goes on

<3

My Anger

2011-07-16T11:34:00.006+10:00

On Monday i went to see (i guess you could call her)...
an 'Emotional Therapist'...
Now some might roll their eyes now and mumble under their breath about
'New agey airy fairy stuff' ...BUT she was anything but this
She was practical and down to earth and very generous
in the sharing of her own life experiences...

She spoke to me about addressing the 'emotions of illness'
and when i then moaned (and rolled my eyes!) and talked of all the 'work'
i have already done in this area!
She patiently explained to me how 'recognizing' an emotional incident in your past
is different to 'feeling' an emotional incident in your past...
This rang bells with me, as i have always been one for swallowing my emotions
i have always been one for hanging onto small embarrassing incidents
(That most others would let go of, or laugh at even!)
and playing them over and over in my mind...
i believe this used to be the cause of the frequent migraines i have always suffered
And then she spoke about the different ways of releasing pent up emotion
and how healthy it is for you...

This is not a new concept for me and i have thought about this before
and have often noted that people with serious illness
more commonly than not seem to struggle with similar 'issues' in this area...
Of course we all go through a stage of being angry and upset
about being struck down with illness... Only human of course
But i am talking here about deep held anger and sorrow...
Here's an example of mine to explain...

i loved my dad deeply and unconditionally
He had problems expressing his love for me
(Although my heart always knew he did)
and i spent the best part of my life pining, crying and trying to work it all out
Unfortunately he died (Of an asthma attack at 54yrs) before i had the chance
This left me destitute and for the year after his death
i wanted to follow him...
Since his passing in 1998 i have done a lot of soul searching
and actual physical searching, to understand...
Eventually i found peace, because as i learned more about his life
i understood how it affected and influenced mine...

But the one thing i never did express
was my anger at it all...

That is what Monday helped me to understand
that i have been sooo busy loving my dad
that i forgot that it was okay...
to be ~Human~
...and be angry at him

So i have some techniques now
that are aimed at reaching ~deep~
They are surprisingly simple...
Like writing down at the end of each day, my feelings about the day
NOT the incidents of the day (for that is staying in my head)
But the emotions of the day... The stronger the language the better
and then burning them... (ie) Express and release...
Not a new concept you might say? Silly you might say? Easy you might say?

Then why is it soo difficult for me?

Not so silly perhaps...

<3

A repost from Dec 18th 2008 for dearest Audrey with Love x

2011-07-12T13:05:00.002+10:00

On the way to the doctors...

My doctors visit yesterday was in the city ...
an hours trip by road...
so my eldest daughter and i went in by train
(and met hubby in there with the car)...

On the way in
a small group of people climbed aboard...
they were a happy little group, full of loud enthusiasm
and i got the feeling that they may have been at a chrissy do
a work christmas breakup perhaps?

Anyway the thing that most attracted me to them
was their infectious enthusiasm...
for ~life~
and so with this thought i closed my tired lids
and leaned my head against the window
to listen for a while to their undulating voices...

to ~see~ what i could hear

As the group had stepped into our carriage
they had split into two
the nearest to me made up of two women
one younger, one older... and a man
and a younger woman sat behind us, with a male companion

As they had arrived, and the group had separated
they all seemed to ~hesitate~ for a moment
but then settled, quickly, when they realized
that everyone was still in full view of each other...

With this, i closed my eyes...
and the gentleman began to speak...
and tell his friends a tale...
of a plane trip and holiday that he had, had in his youth

He began with a description of his flight
how it had ~felt~ to him as the plane had lifted from the tarmac
how the weight had shifted in the craft as it went from ground to air
and the view as he had watched the land disappearing below
he spoke of the sounds and his feelings
He spoke of the 'in-flight' movie
and how different things were probably now, compared to then
i found myself becoming interested in the things that HE found interesting
such as how he chose to speak less of the movie he had watched
and more about how he had ~felt~ about it
i found myself fascinated with the man's voice
as he ~spoke~ with an old world elegance so rare these days
there was a gentlemanly quality to his voice
There was something ~special~ about him...
i decided and continued to listen
as he went on to describe the planes descent,
and the way the crew had sprayed insecticide to prevent traveling bugs and disease
He spoke of how the wheels of the plane had 'smoked' as they touched the tarmac again
and i marveled at the detail of his descriptions
i felt i was ~there~ with him, so vivid were the pictures
that he brought to my minds eye

His story went on to talk of a woman that he had once met
perhaps in his travels?
An amazing woman he said
who lived apart from this modern world
and did things the ~old fashioned~ way
He described the food that she cooked
from scratch, he spoke...
in such beautiful detail
that my mouth watered
and my nose tingled with my own memory of such fragrant smells
And he laughed as he remembered
her ancient old wood fired stove
that had the flames roaring so fiercely from the back,
it's a wonder she didn't set everything alight!

And on he spoke of her 'authentic' recipes
from the 'mother country'
of her mouth watering apple strudel
that was so sweet
it had melted on his tongue

He spoke a little loudly at times
and i surmised that in another life
this may have been because he was a school master
in a boys school
where this habit would have been a necessary
~teaching tool~

i peeked open my eyes at intervals...

and my heart smiled as the younger of his companions
threw herself at him, and wrapped her arms around him
i watched as every now and again she did this to him
with such an adoration in her eyes
and a very deliberate gentle touch...
But just like a younger soul
she regularly interrupted his story
with questions...
What did this word mean? And what was that description again?
He seemed used to her questions and sometimes even answered her
before she asked the question
with the patience of older years

The other lady, the older one was less tolerant of the younger
and chided her constant interruptions
for she was interested in the man's story
and had experiences of her own to add
i became interested in this lady's responses too
and found myself marveling at her good memory
for the place names of all the journeys she had enjoyed

Every now and again the man would say
in response to the younger's enthusiasm
"Now sit down Angelina and be ~good~"

And then all too soon the gentleman called that it was ~time~
and the small group became became animated
as they prepared to get off at their stop

Reluctantly i opened my eyes again and watched as they said their goodbyes
to the other couple behind me
and i felt a smile grow across my face
as the gentleman softly squeezed a couple of notes into the other lady's hand
and alighted with his companions with a ..."And you have yourself a Merry Christmas"
and was ~gone~

This other lady's face lit up in surprise
as she delightedly thanked the man
and then she turned to her companion
and said how very kind that she felt this gesture had been
and what a very rare thing such ~kindness~ was in this day and age
and should be ~valued~
It set her off on the topic then, of ~friends~
and how necessary she felt they were, in this life

i closed my eyes and listened as she spoke about her girlfriends
and how important that they were to her...
She spoke about her work and how she spent time volunteering with the homeless in shelters
i let her gentle voice wash over me
there was such a kindness, a compassion, a ~beautiful~ way of looking at life
that was mirrored by the gentle tones of her voice

And as we came nearer to her stop
she went on to say how important a ~true friend~ was
and how she wished for her companion a Christmas filled with ~true~ friends

i smiled at her as she waved good bye

and as the train moved off
i thought about the words she had spoken
about how her friends had filled in the empty spaces in her life
when her relationship had ended
and i considered too the difficulties that she had spoken about
of maintaining a relationship
when you have

~mental disabilities~

You see everyone in this little group had obvious to the eye mental difficulties
a 'slowness' my mum used to call it in my youth...
but they had an appearance that so bellied the wisdom of their words

And so i had closed my eyes to shut off any voices that might judge in my head
i had closed my eyes to remember that i could ~see~ with my heart
i had closed my eyes to the high waisted pants and ill fitting shirts
to the too short pants and darkly calloused elbows
to the highly magnified and old fashioned glasses
and the cheap over filled plastic bags

Because my heart had told me that i was sitting with ~angels~ on this day
that this was a special moment in time for me
and by closing my eyes and quietening my mind
i would be able to ~see~ the true gift
of a ~golden moment~
of ~Grace~

And then i read this entry to my daughter, the same daughter
who had been on the train with me
to gauge our perhaps differing views?

Only to be met with a look of mixed curiosity
and it was then that i realized...

that she hadn't needed to ~close her eyes~ at all

...and then this came into my inbox...

"On this day of your life dear friend, i believe God wants you to know...

"... there are choirs singing in your head. If you listen,

you will hear the music. It is the song of angels.

Pay no attention to the sounds of the world. They are

just noises, and even when added up all together they

have no value, make no sense. Strain to hear the song

of angels. Listen to the melody within your soul.

This message is a metaphor. You know exactly what

it is trying to tell you.

Love, Your Friend....

Neale Donald Walsch

*coincidence or ~synchronicity?

...and was the day really about "what the doctor said"...
or about the journey?

xox

The Nanoknife

2011-07-10T14:17:00.001+10:00

IRE Nanoknife: Alfred Hospital Melbourne

The IRE-Nanoknife is a precision image guided "surgical resection" system used by radiologists to induce cell death in soft tissue tumours.

It can achieve in a couple of minutes what would take over half an hour with ablation techniques and without the tissue destruction of conventional surgery.

At the Alfred Radiology department the procedure is being utilized for kidney, liver and lung tumours. Overseas it as been used in prostate and liver tumours.

The procedure involves the insertion of a pair of fine needle electrodes into the tumour under image guidance (CT or ultrasound).

Once the electrodes are in position a pulsating current is delivered over 1-2 minutes. The procedure requires a general anaesthetic but there is very little postoperative pain.

Advantages of IRE

Small needle electrodes with radiology guidance
Very short High voltage pulses create permant pores in cell membranes
FAST - typically 45 seconds per treatment
NO HEAT or thermal damage
Rapid disappearance of targeted cells
SPARING of supporting structures (Blood vessels, bile ducts, nerves)
No residual cavity or distortion
Almost no post-operative pain

NanoKnife Projected Applications

Prostate
Liver
Kidney
Pancreas
Lung
Brain
Uterine Fibroids
Endovascular (angioplasty restenosis)

*In a nutshell that's it folkes!

X:-)

Glass half full!

2011-07-09T13:35:00.005+10:00

Yippee! He was a glass half full kinda Doc!

So the plan is too swallow those PET scan results (Gulp!)
...and do an up-to-date-CT scan

And if the new hormone treatment can kick a little ass
then i can be considered for the Nanoknife treatment
Which may take a mth to two to be approved for so...
~Stabilization~ is now the name of the game!

Thankyou so much for the pic (above) Rob Bear
You're the BEST!

X:-)

Moving forward warts and all...

2011-07-07T17:37:00.005+10:00

My latest medical history for the Professor tomorrow
(Re) the Nanoknife treatment...
Wish me luck... Hope this one/doc is friendlier!

(Ps) Would you believe when i was checking my records...
i discovered that, that Specialist that rubbed me the wrong way the other day...
Was the radiologist that did my very first CT scan! Ooopz!

(Pps) Next week am visiting with a fabulous emotional therapist...
(Goodness knows i need one at the moment!) and going back to see my fabulous
Natropath/Kinesiologist ... Gotta get my head back together!!!

MEDICAL HISTORY : Ms VICKI : DOB : 01/01/1963 (CURRENT DATE : 07/07/2011)

2005: (December) Diagnosed with (LEFT) Breast cancer : O estrogen receptor status : positive (100%)
: Progesterone receptor status : positive (80%)
: HER 2 negative

2006 : Biopsy, Lumpectomy & Lymph nodes removed : x3 nodes affected from 15 removed
: Completed chemotherapy (x1 every 3wks for 7wks)

2008 : Mastectomy (Left breast) : with a spinal block instead of general anesthetic
: Radiotherapy

2009 : Oophoreyctomy (Both ovaries removed)

2010 : 2 & 1/2 mths of Arimidex hormone therapy

: (September) Diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer (Via biopsy) to the central liver : inoperable : x5 (3cm) tumors

2011 : Chemotherapy (Gemcitabine & Paditaxel) 6 of 7 cycles completed : responded well with tumor reduction from x5 to x2 tumors
: NOTE : Side effects experienced : fevers & leg rashes
: Response was to prescribe the steroid Dexamethasone

: NOTE : Side effects experienced (to Dexamethasone) : Swelling of stomach & face (ie) Secondary Cushings syndrome (Weight gain 20 kilos)
: Also experienced Lymphodema in arms and legs (Causing fluid leakage in legs)

: 3 mths of hormone treatment Femara : non-responsive : Blood work: S.CA15.3 from 104 to 548 and S.CEA 7.7 to 42.2
: PET scan completed
JUNE : Began hormone treatment Tamoxifen

*NOTES : Have completed numerous CT scans and x3 Bone scans (Films available) & have blood work copies 2011
: Other surgeries include both legs varicose veins striped (General anesthetic)
: Have Basal Cell Carcinoma (BCC) on right forehead (Diagnosed, untreated)

*ALLERGIES : Maxalon, Ativan, Endone & Tegaderm tape (causes blistering)
: Migraines with general anesthetic

*Currently experiencing, bloating of liver & associated liver & back pain (Still experiencing Secondary Cushings Syndrome symptoms)

*Please note dates are approximate

Amazing photo's of "Sand"

2011-07-07T09:06:00.002+10:00

http://www.sandgrains.com/gallery.html

X:-)

Mum found me...

2011-07-06T15:08:00.001+10:00

a DVD of a crackling open fire...

Soooo much better than the trash on the telly

<3

Toilet humor

2011-07-04T12:29:00.006+10:00

Well literally it is... but not 'rude' if you get my gist

On Saturday just gone one of my cousin's and her 3 son's
made a move back to 'the family property' into a tiny cottage...
On the rather large piece of land also lives my Aunty and Uncle (her parents)
in a small cottage, and my other cousin (her sister) lives in the bigger home there
with her husband and 2 children...
It is a beautiful part of the world, with large fields, horses, dogs
a tennis court and swimming pool...
It also sports sheds of all crooked and magical, and it is here every now and again...
that my family gathers around a bonfire...
Sometimes it is for Christmas, sometimes for birthdays, other times like Saturday
it is to simply help out... In this case with my cousin's move...
So it was on Saturday that i too hoped to help out...
but as my health was good on the day
but not quite vigorous enough to be of any real kind of help
i popped in later for a cuppa...

And it was around the outside fire, after the move was complete
that the usual sharing of funny tales began...
It began with one of my Uncle's telling a 'toilet joke' and thus the 'tone' was set!

His funny story was of a time when he went camping with his family (which he often does)
and another family, and how he, for the comfort of all, due to the lack of amenities
'built' his BEST outback dunny (toilet) yet!
He found the perfect spot where 3 trees where tightly growing together
and in-between the trees he wove some bracken to form walls
leaving one free for the 'doorway'...
He then dug the hole of the appropriate depth and placed upon it...
the free standing toilet seat...
He smiled as he attached to one of the trees a ' toilet paper holder'
and happily noted that on sitting, only your head would show...
The 'door' was the magnificent view of the outback...
and was opposite and faced away from the campsite... Perfect!
Very proud was he and very grateful were his fellow campers to be sure!
A few days later the campers decided on a short trip
and my Uncle took the opportunity for a little 'time out' and R & R
On their leaving he grabbed a magazine, a cold drink, his smokes
and sank gratefully onto his wonderful outback dunny!
Merrily he sat there in the peace and quiet
as only a man can do, soaking up the ambiance of the beautiful outdoors
When (wait for it!) SUDDENLY he heard a *CRACK*
and before he had time to react...
He PLONKED bottom first into his perfectly dug dunny hole...
Well, shocked, with feet facing the sky... It slowly dawned on him...
that it wasn't just HIS 'outback droppings' he was immersed (nearly submersed!!!) within!
OH LORDY!!! And with NO running water, and NO-ONE to help!!!

WELL we were nearly falling orrfff our chairs ourselves
*laughing* holding onto our splitting sides...
as he continued to tell us how he eventually waddles
pants around his ankles to eventually find a packet of wet wipes...
...to begin the long and arduous task of cleaning himself up!

Omigoodness-ness now if that doesn't put you orfff camping
(or 'tenting' as a gay friend of mine always corrects me!) then NOTHING will! Lol!

Oh but i haven't finished yet, oh no, no, no!
Then my Aunty, who is not so keen on the camping lifestyle
comes up with a camping tale of her own...
And begins to relay how on one such trip with my Uncle
on a looong car ride in the middle of nowhere that she (Yep you guessed it...)
...needed to pee!
So there they are on a long dusty road, miles from civilization
surrounded on both sides by looong miles of fields... sighhhh...
Eventually she can stand it no longer and asks my Uncle to pull over
near a field full of waist high flowers... She figures to herself that this just may
afford her a little dignity, that perhaps only her head may show as she sinks down
to take a little pee...
So off she strides, into the fields, searching for the 'perfect' spot!

Now i will just pause for a moment ~here~ for a little footnote...
Now this Aunty of mine is a lot like me, in that she considers herself 'spiritual'
(as opposed to religious) and has a mind set very similar to mine about...
'Putting things out there' for the Universe to 'provide'...
(Lol THIS really does make this story all the more funnier!)

So there she is 'hunting', eyes down, for the perfect 'spot' (Just like a girl!) When...
"Low and behold" she comes across, surrounded by waist high flowers...

...a TOILET!!!

AAaaaaooooooohhhhlalalala! *Place sound of caroling Angels*
and *sunbeam stream of light from Heaven*

Yep she found a TOILET in the middle of a field! In the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
(AND my Uncle has photo's to prove it!)
So of course, as you would, she thanked the Universe and promptly placed her possie...
upon where all civilized possies should go when they need a pee!
Would you believe they later discovered it to be the relics of an old caravan park!

Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahah!

Well i don't know about *you* but those two silly little tales sure made MY day!

*Wink*

X:-)

UPDATE

2011-07-03T09:51:00.003+10:00

A note to a friend that i haven't seen for a while...

Hi Debbie, Great to hear from you X:-) i have finished a round of chemo that although was greatly successful (ie) reduced 5 inoperable tumors of the central liver to 2! i had so many side effects (Painful leg rashes, fevers and swelling) that the docs put me on steroids and then i reacted to them too!... And ended up 'blowing up' to 100 kilo's!!!(It became 'Secondary Cushings Syndrome') It was so bad that at one stage i was unable to walk X:-( i have now gone down 11 kilo's and am still going down... i also had Lymphodema (fluid) in my legs and arms/hands but that is now under control (Thank God!) As that was quite painful... i then went on Femara (a hormone pill/treatment aimed at reducing the tumor's ability to feed on estrogen-that is they aim to suppress the production of estrogen) But i didn't respond to that (ie) my liver has begun swelling again, like it did in the very beginning... Which is painful and uncomfortable... So now i am trying another hormone treatment called Tamoxifen... i have had so many CT (and bone) scans that i have started to forget how many and just last Friday had my first PET scan (Which is aimed at plotting any further cancer growth in my body) The best result of that would be that it is still contained within my liver X:-) As well as all this we have seen one specialist and have another yet to meet (next Friday) regarding different procedures aimed at 'blasting' the tumors... So my biggest hope right now is that we could contain the tumor size to make this easier... i rattle a bit at the moment with all the pills/supplements/pain killers and spend my days mainly resting (which is sooo boring that i want to smash the telly!!!) i have some good days and when i do i get straight out in the fresh air and try and walk my neighbors dog, who are in America at the moment... So that is it in a nut shell... Quite a journey no?!!! i have lots of support though with palliative care nurses visiting regularly and a Lymphodema nurse too... i have just recently gathered info to write up a will and funeral/etc instructions because this illness business is pretty tricky and things i have learned can change in a blink, BUT having said all that i am still hopeful (you know me the eternal optimist) but am trying to be practical too... So there it is, quite a ride no?!!! Hope you are coping well with your health luvvey, lots of *Love* and (((hugs))) Vicki xox

Yep that's it in a nutshell for now folkes!

(Ps) i meant to tell you that on the way to the scan on Friday, i put out a prayer that my 'Spirit helpers' come and be with me... Primarily my Dad... Then a song came on the radio about... "Come lay with me and forget about the world" and when i looked up at these words, the car in front of us had the number plate: EF 111 ...My fathers initials! And in my worlde THAT means i was not alone in that tunnel... Thankyou Dad, For Always being there when i need you...

*Loving You Always*

Vicki xox

THE day of THE SCAN...

2011-07-02T09:34:00.004+10:00

Well i guess ya's all know by now that i was PETRIFIED!
Yes it happens to the best of us and SCARED out of ma pantalloonies was i!
It has just been so overwhelming to be going along so fine...
AND then BANG! Within three days 'my story' is turned on it's head!!!
Now don't get me wrong i am prepared and am always reminding myself to...
Beware, be alert, be prepared... When you are in my 'situation'...
Things can twist and turn, go up and down... Life can throw you curve balls...
But i guess i just wasn't prepared for a 'three day turnover' myself!
Sailing along fine one minute, getting out BY~MYSELF for the first time in CENTURIES!
AND then BANG! ~Feeling of DOOM~ Pain, liver swelling, breathlessness, cold icy hands gripping my heart!...Aaaaarrrggghhh!

Yes it was like a horror movie!

And to top it all orfff they wanted to stuff me in a tunnel!
... and leave me there for 1/2 an hour to contemplate my fate!

Yukky right?!!

Well ~Luckily~ i have friends in high places, who have ~connections~
Luckily the Universe sees fit to place ~People~ in my Life who care...
My dearest friend ~Sweetest Mango~ did some AMAZING energy work on me!
My gorgeous friend kj when silly old bloggy worlde wouldn't let her in... Emailed me!
My lovely GP slipped me some valium...
(i am fast seeing why this little white pill is called The Housewife's Best Friend! Lol!)
And all ma FB and bloggy friends literally came to my rescue
...with kind wishes, prayers and ~Love~

So on a fluffy pink cloud i floated into the hospital...
and was greeted by some really nice folke who constantly reassured me
The receptionist so very kindly explained the procedure
and said that they have claustrophobic patients all the time...
The nurse knew when to hand me over to a more experienced 'vein guy'
...who proceeded to get my line in first pop! X:-)
And staff even offered me ~music~ for my hour long sabbatical...
(You have to stay 'still' for an hour, before the scan, for the dye to settle into your blood stream... This is because they are looking for cancer activity and if you move around, then that would cause the dye to move into your muscle and therefore confuse the images)
The staff on the PET scan kindly covered my eyes with a cloth, offered music and put me in the machine so that my head spent the least amount of time in there...
AND then they let me know as soon as my head was out!
And do you know what?!! Because i was so well looked after (or was it the Valium?!! Lol!)
i even took a teenie peek as the machine finished up, just to test my bravery skills...
(Like i do when watching scary movies!)

AND THEN??? Yep! i ~survived~

and even though i know this isn't enough... "Thankyou" my Bloggy Friends

...and miraculously (But maybe not so surprisingly) today, i have no bloating and no pain!!!

Go figure!

X:-)

Starry night thoughts...

2011-06-30T09:45:00.006+10:00

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Doc says given my liver is swollen that it might be a good idea if we do a PET scan... Fair enough! But today and last night i felt a dramatic change in my liver size- a reduction! (Can it go up and down like that so dramatically???) So here's my dilemma... If i do it now (The PET scan when i am feeling emotionally rather fragile) and i get negative results... Will this melt what little reserve i have left at the moment? (i am basing this on how the last Specialist got under my skin and completely tore up my confidence!... i had NO idea that i was SO fragile!) You know i believe that my healing has a LOT to do with my state of mind-right!?! So right now i am thinking that all is okay X:-) That i simply have a problem with my liver and we can deal with that... So when the Doc's want to go snooping elsewhere i think to myself... "Do we REALLY HAVE to???" i mean can't we just leave well enough alone for now? My thoughts being that what would be the point right now to 'take a leap of faith' when would it really change what we currently have planned medically... (Which is to give the new hormone treatment 6wks 'to do it's thing?' and then if that looks dodgy, try a different chemo) ...We would probably do that anyway, because any further 'spread' wouldn't change that... If anything it would just make the next Specialist a bit less inclined to do the tumor 'zapping' thing, as he would probably do the 'glass half empty thing' and probably not be inclined to have my stats ruin his stats (Given that his Nanoknife is still at trial stage) Sighhh... The other thought i had, was perhaps i could ask my Doc to keep the results to herself for 6wks, unless she had some amazingly fabulous new treatment that she hasn't previously mentioned! ...You see it is quite a feat to maintain your confidence while embracing modern medicine, as they don't seem to cater for your state of mind quite as much as the so called more 'alternative' approaches that seem to put a bigger emphasis on it... And the Docs think we run to more natural medicines because we are desperate... Well they are right! We are desperate for a more 'positive approach' to healing... We are desperate for a smile, a kind touch, a positive comment (not a lie mind you!) just a more 'mind'ful approach...

Is THAT too much to ask for?

Sighhh... What to do, what to do... and the scan is tomorrow... Have i also mentioned that i am claustrophobic... It makes these scans just that much more horrible for me... sighhh...

Renee, "Now i think i know, what you tried to say to me. How you suffered for your sanity. How you tried to set them free... They did not listen, they're not listening still ... Perhaps they never will..."

X:-/

Ghosts in the Machine

2011-06-29T11:32:00.006+10:00

i just tried to post a post... and it disappeared!!!
Grrrrr!!!... i thought, as it was a long one about how my Doc thought that i needed to try a new hormone pill (Which i started today-Tamoxifen) and about how she thought i needed a PET scan (which i am to have Friday) and all about what a PET scan was (Basically it helps detect 'movement' of cancer) and then i wrote about 'Tash' who used to live in my house in the 70's and about how i visited her grave on the w/end, as i do occasionally with flowers from my (and her) garden... Then i posted some photo's of some of the unique graves sites there as i am always fascinated by the beauty and ~Love~ shown in the adornment allowed there (Unlike modern cemeteries these days)... Then it all disappeared except for this one photo of a plaque handmade for a Beloved...

i will take that as a sign that i do not need to be focusing on such things today

*Giggle*

Funny old 'Ghosts in tha machine!'

X;-)

The phone call...

2011-06-27T21:00:00.006+10:00

It's okay i'm just letting orfff steam...

The Doc rang tonight with not so good news...
Cancer markers are up...
This means i need to look at a different hormone treatment (Tamoxifen)
and some local treatment... Perhaps the Nanoknife?
And/or more chemo...
(Geez just when i was getting used to hair again and all!)

All is not lost...
i just hate the look on my kids faces...
Makes me want to lie or at least hide the truth...
And my husband (who is still at work)...
Complains when i ask him to pick up a bit of shopping on the way home
i feel like SCREAMING at him...
"What if i wasn't ~here~ at all! How much harder would THAT be!!!"
i have nightmares that my eldest daughter would feel that she needs to fill my shoes...
if i wasn't here... i would HATE her to waste her life like that!
Therefore...

"GO AWAY STOOOOOOPID LITTLE CANCER THINGIES"
i'm too busy for such nonsense i tell ya!

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
(That's my scary go away voice!)

<3

These waking words...

2011-06-26T13:28:00.005+10:00

i woke up with these words on my lips this morning...

"The Language of Love does not rely on Words"

So i hung onto them and wrote them down...
Because they seemed so ~Beautiful~ to me

And then i heard that New York had sanctified Gay Marriage!

Whoo! Hoo!

Did you know 'once upon a time' that "Marriage"
...was simply co-habitation?

Yep in the olden-olden days all you did was move in together...
and then your society considered you "wed!"

Because it was all about 'the commitment' to each other...
All about the actions and not the words...

Mind you i do ~Love~ a beautiful wedding and am so glad that society is becoming more 'open minded'... i think we can thank our amazing children for that, as they seem so less inclined to 'box' people into categories... it's a beautiful thang methinks!

<3

What the nurse said...

2011-06-24T16:57:00.004+10:00

One of my gorgeous (palliative/home care) nurses said to me today...

"Hey the reason we love this job is we learn so much from those we care for!!
You're the teacher here kiddo xx"

This was in a conversation/text, because i haven't seen her for a while and she had heard from the lovely nurse that i did see today, that i was looking better and in much better spirits...

Does ~care~ get much better than that?!!

Yep like i said yesterday... Angels watching over me!

((Hugs))) to Janine & Klara

<3

Somebody watching over me...

2011-06-23T13:29:00.004+10:00

You know how i am always rambling on about that you just have to...

~Trust~

When things seem 'tricky'

Well here is just another small example of that in my life...

The winter gas bill arrived yesterday ...$500 *Gasp*
i mumble to myself (With what breath i have left!) ... "Don't stress!"
...and put the account aside to sit with it and the budget the next day...
Thinking "Whoa there's gonna have to be some pretty fancy juggling to pay THAT one!"

Next day (today) i go to do my shopping and find an extra $995.52 in the shopping account???

"Wot tha?!!"

i stand at the atm thinking "Damn! Now i'm going to have to go inside the bank
and tell them that there's been some mistake... Poo! and i sure could use that extra cash!"
And THEN it dawns on me... This was that Govt payment that i had forgotten all about!!!
i had NO IDEA it was going to be sooo much!

*Smile spreads across my face*

Yep that's tha ~Universe~ sorting things out for me again!
How damn wonderful is THAT!?!

*Kissez*

i ~Love~ you Universe!

*Thankyou*

X:-)

PISH! TOSH!

2011-06-22T16:35:00.006+10:00

Now THIS is what i wanted to tell THAT Doc on Monday night...

Thank~You Universe for guiding me to this article today...

SEE!!! (She says poking out her tongue!!!)

17 Years Later, Stage 4 Survivor Is Savoring a Life Well Lived

By KATHERINE RUSSELL RICH

Published: April 26, 2010

Each year on a day in January — the 15th, to be precise — I go to a Web site and post a message to hundreds of women I’ve never met, saying, essentially, “I’m still here.”

Within days, a thunderous chorus comes back, 200 voices, 300. A few of them ask, “How can this be?” Sometimes they begin, “I’m crying.” Many answer in kind: “I’m here, too. It’s now three years.” “Five years.” “Three months.” “Seven.”

What we’re doing, in a way, is checking for lights in the darkness.

Now there probably aren’t a lot of Web sites where the announcement that you’re ar

ound and breathing would cause anyone to take notice, let alone respond. But this is a site for people with Stage 4 breast cancer, something I’ve had for 17 years. The average life expectancy with the diagnosis is 30 months, so this is a little like saying I’m 172 years old: seemingly impossible. But it’s not. I first found I had the illness in 1988, and it was rediagnosed as Stage 4 in 1993. That’s 22 years all together, which is the reason I post each year on the anniversary of the day I learned my cancer was back: to let women know that it happens, that people do live with this for years.

I tell them that when the cancer returned, it came on so fast, spread so quickly, that I was given a year or two to live. Within months, the disease turned vicious. It started breaking

bones from within, and was coming close to severing my spinal cord.

Nothing was working, till a doctor tried a hormone treatment no one used much anymore, and the cancer turned and retreated, snarling. It remains sluggish but active. Every so often, it rears its head; when it does, we switch treatments and it slides back down. In that way, I stay alive.

I tell them: you just don’t know.

Two and a half years after the Stage 4 diagnosis, I confessed to my mother

that the doctors had said I had two years to live, tops. I’d kept this information to myself because if you say it, it’s true. I told her this laughing, as if we were trading preposterous stories. “Well, I guess you’re going to have to hold your breath if you’re going to make that deadline,” she replied, in her slow Southern drawl when I gave my previously stated expiration date.

I spent the next five years holding my breath, then did the same for another five. I enacted every New Year’s resolution, past and future, all at once. Quit work that had grown stale and became a writer. Wrote a book. Went to India on assignment, fell in love with the language that was swirling around me, went back to live for a year and learn Hindi. Didn’t realize the reason I’d come to dislike that hyperbolically overachieving Lance Armstrong was that his behavior was too familiar. Take a nap, Lance! I’d think to myself, though in truth I couldn’t

either.

But if I was verging on radical levels of life consumption, I had a reason: No one had told me I wasn’t going to die soon. About 12 years out, my doctor finally did.

There’s a small subcategory of people with Stage 4 breast cancer, it turned out, who live for years and years. “Twenty. Thirty,” said my doctor, George Raptis. This group constitutes about 2 percent of all cases. Doctors can’t predict who will fall into this category. They can’t say you’re in it till you’re in it — till you’ve racked up the necessary miles.

The reason they can’t is that for all the pink-ribbon hoopla, despite

the hundreds of millions that have been poured into breast cancer research, hardly anyone has looked into the why of long-distance survival; not one doctor has specialized in this field.

Here’s pretty much the sum of collective knowledge: People in this group tend to have disease that has spread to the bone (as opposed to lung or liver, say) and feeds on estrogen. They tend to do well on hormone treatments. End of commonly known story.

But as Dr. Gabriel N. Hortobagyi at M.D. Anderson Cancer Ce

nter in Houston told me, you can also find women whose breast cancer spread to organs other than bone, for whom hormone therapy did exactly nothing, who had their lesions surgically excised and who have been free of cancer for 30 years. None of these women could have expected to live.

You just don’t know, and neither, unfortunately, does the medical field.

One reason, as the breast surgeon Dr. Susan Love told me, is that “many clinical trials are funded by the drug companies to run for five years,” obviously not enough if you’re investigating long-term survivors. But through her institute, the Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation, she has begun to conduct research.

Dr. Love said she was inspired by a colleague who told her that in World War II, aviation experts focused on planes that went down until someone said, “Why aren’t we studying the planes that stay up in the air?” By no means a reflexive optimist, she thinks there’s hope we’ll find a cure.

On the Web site, I tell the women how deeply I believe there’s no such thing as false hope: all hope is valid, even for people like us, even when hope would no longer appear to be sensible.

Life itself isn’t sensible, I say. No one can say with ultimate authority what will happen — with cancer, with a job that appears shaky, with all reversed fortunes — so you may as well seize all glimmers that appear.

I write to them (to myself) that of course this is tough: the waiting to see if the shadows are multiplying, the physical pain, the bouts with terrible blackness.

“But there can be joy in this life, too,” I say, “and that’s so important to remember. This disease does not invalidate us. This past year, I’ve had the joy of falling in love with my sister’s kids, who live states away and whom I hadn’t had the chance to know. I’ve had a second book come out, one I worked on for eight years, about going to live in India with Stage 4 cancer. I’ve had so many moments of joy this year, but when I’m in blackness, I forget about those.” Then I ask them to write and tell me about theirs, and lights begin to flash.

“Had a pajama party with my oldest friend, laughing through the night in matching pajamas about old times.”

“Came in second in a bridge tournament.”

“I went on a wonderful camping trip with my family.”

“Seeing my older daughter grow taller than me. She’s now 5-9.”

One thing I don’t ever think to say: When I was told I had a year or two, I didn’t want anything one might expect: no blow-out trip to the Galápagos, no perfect meal at Alain Ducasse, no defiant red Maserati. All I wanted was ordinary life back, for ordinary life,

it became utterly clear, is more valuable than anything else.

I don’t think to say it, and I never will. The women on the site already know that.

Katherine Russell Rich is the author of “Dreaming in Hindi: Coming Awake in Another Language” and “The Red Devil: To Hell With Cancer — and Back.”

One of the many things that i am grateful for is an Oncologist who does not put her faith in stats, this gives me ~Hope~ For then with a free heart i can say to myself "SO!" Cancer is just a word and illness simply a state of mind... i have always said that i betcha if we autopsied every deceased person, many we would find, have lived to ripe old ages riddled with cancer... Because they never knew they had it... Fear can kill you, i believe... So i choose to surround myself with good old fashioned ~Hope~ and good intentions ...and get on with my living X:-)

So Be it!

The "C" word

2011-06-21T17:26:00.003+10:00

V-E-R-Y interesting!

Dr Burzynski's cancer cure...

http://vimeo.com/24821365

But as usual the pharmaceutical companies are hampering the way!
Surprise, surprise!

i went for a second opinion last night about some ~other~ medical treatments...
The Doc was very efficient, very intelligent and cold...
He told me what he could do for me and the stats...
He told me (in not so many words) that while i was 'okay'
it was better to stay that way...
He told me that it was better to consider his other therapies ...
only when (not if) i was at a stage that my quality of life 'was compromised'
i asked why if i had 5 tumors that were now 2 tumors that he did not consider this 'a window of opportunity?'...
He gave me the impression (again in not so many words)
that he did not have any confidence in any of his treatments being a cure
and that because i had tumors metastasized in my liver...
that i most probably had small ones elsewhere even though my CT scans say otherwise

He suggested i get an MRI for then i would know the true picture...
i wondered to myself (quietly) why i had not had this suggested to me before?

And then i said out aloud (to myself)
The difference between him and me?
He chooses the glass half empty...

...and i choose the glass half full

StuFF him!

X:-/

On this side of the worlde...

2011-06-19T11:34:00.003+10:00

We welcome the Winter Solstice...
and in my local community it is with a ~Lantern Parade~

There is singing from local community groups

and music from local school bands and musicians

and belly dancing too

and ~everyone~ joins in...

...and the cold feels warm for a while

X:-)

i am thinking... thoughtz

2011-06-15T10:51:00.005+10:00

i am thinking about lots of things today... and my brain is ready to EXPLODE!
When you are not so mobile, sometimes your brain will go into overload!
So please excuse my indulgence but today i am setting them free... (The thoughts that is)...

FYI: Each * is a thinking, thorting, "THOUGHT" bumping against the inside of ma skull! Be gone into the woelde of "doing" you bumping, twisting, thoughts!...So Be it!!!

*i must find the enthusiasm to clean my workroom as it has turned back into a laundry somehow! How/when did that happen??? ...And heaven forbid that i should kick the proverbial bucket suddenly and without warning and leave such a nasty chore for my family! (i could NEVER Rest In Peace then!)

*i must write a 'final blog' and tell someone my password
(Just in case i get hit by a bus!)

*i must write a will and organize my funeral... Well why not? My mum has already started a payment plan!...And afteral you know me (She says to herself!) i must always have the last word! Lol!

...Hmmm my thoughts are decidedly morbid~ish... but i will puddle on... They MUST be freed!

*i must make sure each of the kids can cook something other than noodles and toasted sandwiches... (i have bought a blank recipe book already... so that's a good start!)

*i must buy a new floor mop (Oh wait i did that already!) Well i must let the family know that i now have one for the main floors and one for bathrooms... (i know, i know, weird little quirks... Let's just go easy on oneself and put it down to chemo damaged brain cells... Primarily the ocd ones!)

*Actually i really must write a 'letter' for my kids, each individually, for their 21st's... (You know just in case!)

...i must!?! (i must! i must! i must improve ma bust!) Why am i "must~ing"??? How about i say... "i will?" ...(This is fast turning into a to do list!)

*i will meditate more (Well meditate period! i have been sooo slack of late!)

*i will investigate more about the Nanoknife/Cyberknife before meeting new Specialists

*i will eat! S'cuse me... Back in a tic!

*That's better... i will remember to make my art diary~ing more of a habit than i have of late (Thanks Zom!) ...She did some fabulous posts on habits recently...

*i will weed the vegie patches so that we can plant some stuff in them! (i will get Son to help)

*Talking about said "Son" ...i will somehow devise a sneaky plan to get him out of his room more often! (Damn that decision to allow him a computer in there!) ...As we all know plants need sunlight and fresh air to grow healthy! ...R u listening said son?!! ~i love You~

*i will visit Aunty Lucy & Uncle Ted... i will, i will...

*i will get the arial man in to fix the telly reception (So 'Master Chef' won't be so fuzzy and we will git all them 16 free channels! Whoo! Hoo!)

*i will get some decent curtaining for the kids bedrooms (Wooden Venetians for Son's room)

*i will get a new garbage bin (kitchen) and loo toilet brushes (x2)

*i will do my Chrissy card/s list early this year (i know it's early BUT i said that last year and they didn't even get sent!)

*i will call the re-stumping guy back to fix the slooooooping kitchen... So that i can think about renovating the poor 'ol thing! (One thing at a time of course, i'm not made of money!!!)

*i will sweep the Autumn leaves orf tha decking... AGAIN!!!

*i will... STOP now! (i'm exhausted) That's enough letting out of thoughts for one day!

*wink*

Dream chaser...

2011-06-12T09:17:00.004+10:00

(Ps) illness is just a dream... that one must learn not
...to believe in

x

A gOOd day...

2011-06-10T13:07:00.004+10:00

What constitutes a "good day"?

For me it is currently being able to get out of my pj's and pull on my pants
without effort or help...

Being able to reach my toes and nurture my fee with creams...
My poor 'ol neglected feet!

Being relatively pain free... (Pain med's doing their job!)

Being able to actually "DO"
...that which i contemplate

Yes today my mind is feeling hopeful...
and that opens up my worlde!

...And THAT is a good day!

*Thankyou dear ~Universe~ for these insights...
that teach me how to be ~Grateful~ for all the little things

xox

Pain is a pain?

2011-06-06T14:43:00.004+10:00

What is pain?
When i sit with pain i find i tend to fight it...
React to it... emotionally and physically... i 'cease up'
i assume it's bad and i put it in the category of "bad" in my mind
and i forget... that 'pain' is actually my body 'speaking' to me

If i 'listen' to pain i find pain is my teacher...
If i close my eyes and release myself to pain
i find a large part of my "pain" is my 'reaction' to it...
When i analyze my feelings about pain...
i realize i should rename my pain... "Fear"

I still take pain meds, for pain is not my 'friend'
but i find that in my listening to pain
i need pain relief less...
And in my listening to pain
i am taught more about myself

(Ps) i (((hug))) cancer and she cries

xox

Let nothing stop you...

2011-06-02T11:48:00.001+10:00

For Stan

Thank~you Michael

<3

Vicki the leader of the Elves

2011-06-01T14:35:00.003+10:00

And here is the letter in return
from the Faerie letter box...
(in little boy language, as it came X:-)

"To Vicki,
I made up a Fairy tale to
i can see that you injoy making them...

Once upon a time there was a fairy
and the fairy always viseted the leder of the Elves
The leder of Elves was called Vicki.
Vicki lived in a hollow of a tree trunk.
One day a scarry Goblin and a wiche tried to get Vicki.
But the very powaful fairy came.
and used her magic to make them go away.
and they lived hapely Ever after.
The End."

...and i don't know why, but it made me cry

<3

Taking it as it comes...

2011-05-29T14:40:00.006+10:00

My ~creativity~ has not been coming or flowing in it's usual form and lately i find myself placing little letters (in a specially placed letter~box on my back fence) to the little boy who lives 'out the back'... My last letter was in the form of a cartoon and this is the follow up tale...

By happy co-incidence a story is being told (as i tap on the laptop upon my knee) on my telly by a writer (Margaret Mahy ONZ (born in Whakatane, New Zealand on 21 March 1936) is a well-known New Zealand author of children's and young adult books. While the plots of many of her books have strong supernatural elements, her writing concentrates on the themes of human relationships and growing up) and about how she creates her stories and her writing processes...

Anyway this is my tale for the little boy (his name has been changed for privacy reasons) 'out-back' as it came straight from my pen... in encouragement of his sometimes much unappreciated (by his peers) but ~wonderful~ imagination...

A longer Faerie ~tale about a magical forest
and the remarkable young man who lived there...

Once upon a time, in a beautiful green valley where all the magical creatures lived, there also lived a remarkable young man called Jacques`. He was much admired by the people who lived happily by the sparkling river that ran through the picturesque valley, for he had the magical ability to understand the language of the forest creatures that lived close by in the tree filled hills. As a child he spent many long hours sitting in the dappled sunlight that filtered through the pretty green leaves, until the forest animals came to trust him as one of their own... Down in the valley the villagers would hear his sparkling laughter as it drifted down upon the breeze and it would always make them smile, even on the gloomiest of days... As a little child with golden hair, he would come skipping down the hills full of smiles and very interesting stories of magical things. Some of his tales spoke of unusual animals and their different languages and of tiny little faerie folke and their everyday comings and goings. Sometimes his stories were so fantastical that some of the villagers could hardly believe him, but even those non-believers would still ask him questions as their hearts filled with a wonderful cheerfulness that they couldn't deny... And dear sweet Jacques` would always make time to sit with the villagers in the evenings, by specially built bonfires sprinkled with sweet smelling leaves from the magical forest floor, to relay his amazing stories. I remember particularly his excitement, how his eyes would sparkle as he recounted his adventures, how my heart would fill with joyfulness and i would magically find myself remembering some similar such fantastical times in my own youth too! ... And such was the magic of the remarkable young man called Jacques` and his wonderfully magical life.

...And the moral of this story
is that the magic is not necessarily in the tale itself but in the telling
...and the sharing

*For Jacques` who is a remarkable young man too

X:-)

Do yourself the Honour...

2011-05-27T12:29:00.003+10:00

Baraka... the experience is

http://youtu.be/XO1nSVy8q8I

...Magnificent!

<3

Any one for a little... Sparra?

2011-05-24T08:32:00.002+10:00

Jack Sparra that is!

X;-)

Don't worry about the Worlde coming to an end Today...

2011-05-21T12:28:00.002+10:00

It's already Tomorrow in Australia!

Here is a link to what i ~Believe~ is 'Common Sense Spirituality:

http://www.louix.org/lddf/teachings/video/recorded-discourses/japans-tsunami-whats-next/

When i open my ~Heart~
...i am guided

When i look with my eyes
...i am shown

When i hear with my Soul
...i understand

That the Worlde is a pond
in which is reflected ...my face

<3

Your ~Love~ Heals me

2011-05-21T10:18:00.002+10:00

Thankyou

My bone scan was clear and there is no advancement in Liver!

*Smile*

<3

The Universe speaks...

2011-05-20T15:18:00.003+10:00

While waiting for my doc to phone in response to my tests yesterday...

There was a medical emergency in my neighbourhood requiring firetrucks, police, ambulance and medical helicopter (Landing on the footy ground just nearby)...

Reminding me that there is ALWAYS someone worse off...

~Sending Healing, Love & Angels~ to the unfortunate patient

♥

Kitty Kuddle

2011-05-16T15:31:00.001+10:00

Doc says we need more scans... sighhh...

Then she gave me a cuddle

<3

i believe

2011-05-14T13:01:00.003+10:00

i believe i have been given this time
and predicament...
to ~ponder~

i believe i have been given this time
to lay on the grass and to watch the clouds
~float by~

i believe i have been given this time to
sit on my veranda and stare up through the tree branches
until the birds forget that i am ~here~

i believe i have been given this time
and this pain...
to ~feel~ my human~ess

i believe that i have been given this time
to spend time by myself not in ~loneliness~
but as an invitation to travel my ~depths~

i believe i have been given this time
to learn how to ~love~ all that i am
by bearing witness to Mother Natures simple ~beauty~

i believe i am not alone in this journey
and that you too are a reflection
of my ~Soul~

And just so you know...
i believe in Me ...and now more than ever
i believe in ~You~ too

<3

The "C" word = Believe

2011-05-12T12:28:00.000+10:00

"Cancer is just a silly word that has a whole heap of fear attached to it... In reality it is no worse than the common cold ...and is almost as 'common' as the 'common cold!' And besides anyone can die of anything, even a common cold! I believe my step Grandfather, on my dad's side, died of a broken Heart... One just needs to get to the root of the fear and anger... and THAT is the tricky bit that i am still working on!

...And besides at the rate i'm going it's going to be the side effects of the so called 'cure' that's gonna be the death of me! Lol!"

i wrote this (above) on an email today and it got me thinking... About what i really ~Believe in~ and about how i keep hedging my bets by keeping one foot in each camp...

i thought about this... and that i should...

"take a leaf out of my daughter's (Tamsyn's) book and just 'put it out there' ...
You should sEE the way she MANIFESTS her 'worlde'...

It is truly ~breathtaking~ to behold!"

And i sent this...

"Dear Mr Thomson,

I am inquiring about the Nanoknife treatment for cancer that you are currently involved with at The Alfred Hospital, Melbourne (according to a forwarded email from my Aunt) I am an otherwise healthy 48yr old female, married with 3 teenagers, with metastasized breast cancer of the central liver (inoperable) I am currently just about to begin hormone treatment (Femara) after completing 5 cycles (Once a week x3 with 1 week off) of nab-Paclitaxel and Gemcitabine. My latest CT scan (from lung apices to symphysis pubis after administration of intravenous and oral contrast on 25/3/2011) reads in part:

"...A couple of small hypodense foci measuring 10mm adjacent to the left hepatic vein..."

I have experienced some problems with mainstream medicine... I seem to be VERY sensitive. I discontinued some very effective chemo (I would have completed one more cycle) due to the side effects including rashes, fevers, peripheral neuropathy and now suspected Secondary Cushings syndrome (due to extended use of the steroid Dexamethasone) thus my interest in your less invasive Nano knife treatment. I am a vegan, but due to a daughter with an anaphylactic response to nuts, seeds and legumes, my diet includes eggs and fish (to avoid bringing the allergens into our household and include protein in my diet) I am normally of a healthy weight as l don't have a license and walk everywhere (l live in the Dandenong Ranges) l am currently just on pain meds awaiting the joint aches and pains and bloating to subside... And so in the meantime l thought to inquire (re) your cancer treatment. I realise that you would have particular requirements, but it is my hope that l could be considered.

I thank you for your time and look forward to your response."

And then i said to myself...

~BELIEVE~

*In memory of Daria may she be resting sweetly with ~Angels~

Happy Mothers Day

2011-05-08T14:58:00.002+10:00

Anzac Day 2011

2011-04-25T11:30:00.005+10:00

Today i Remember you *Pa* and all your wartime mates

i Thank~you, *Love* You and miss your funny face

~Frank Birdwood Burridge~

xox

i would also like to acknowledge the passing today of ...

Sathya Sai Baba: 23/11/26~24/4/2011

http://www.louix.org/lddf/community/from-the-desk-of-the-master/eternal-pranams-to-beloved-sathya-sai-baba/

~Blessed Be~

♥

HaPPy EasTER BuNNy DaY!

2011-04-24T09:57:00.004+10:00

My favorite Easter joke...

Have a FABULOUS day!

xox

The Taking Of Christ

2011-04-22T14:49:00.006+10:00

"Forgive them for they know not what they do..."

...Painting by Caravaggio

(Ps) Hubby made Hot Cross buns
as he does every Good Friday... Choc chips in them this year!
~YUMMY~

(Pps) Good luck 'Royal Children's Hospital Appeal'
~Giving so that they may grow~

x

Spirit Of Magenta

2011-04-19T14:49:00.006+10:00

i ~Love~ this post by my ~Bloggy Sista~

http://spiritofmagenta.blogspot.com/2011/03/expansion.html

i ~Love~ it's Clarity...

And i ~Love~ the Bravery she has used to ~Overcome~

to speak her Truth...

She is ~Special~ ...as she would say ...Are we all

"Magenta is a color evoked by light stronger in blue and red wavelengths than in yellowish-green wavelengths. (complements of magenta have wavelength 500–530 nm, i.e. green.).^[2] In light experiments, magenta can be produced by removing the lime-green wavelengths from white light. It is an extra-spectral color, meaning it cannot be generated by a single wavelength of light, being a mixture of red and blue wavelengths.^[3] The name magenta comes from the dye magenta, commonly called fuchsine, discovered shortly after the 1859 Battle of Magenta (from the color of the land all covered by the blood) at Magenta, Italy near Milan.^[4]" ...Wikipedia

And as with the color of Magenta...
She teaches us to ~Overcome~ our experiences
...and reminds us that we are each Unique and ~Loved~

Always...

Love to You my Bloggy Sista

~Always~

<3

Magic

2011-04-17T14:26:00.004+10:00

My Lara had a friend stay over last night...
and this is what they got up to with this years Chrissy present
Lara's new camera and a packet of sparklers...

Isn't that just *Magical*

<3

PS:

2011-04-16T10:39:00.004+10:00

Got a second opinion 'by accident'
(While my Oncologist was out of town another Oncologist saw her patients)
and she agrees with me... Secondary Cushings Syndrome...
(Due to being on the steroid Dexamethasone for 6mths my ability to produce my own steroids has shut down)

i can work with this...

i have already started to wake up without nausea and head-aches...
and the tears are less as the swelling is starting to go down...

i have a fabulous Lymphodema Nurse (Who has ~healing~ hands)

i am on the mend... YOUR ~Prayers~ are working!

How do i ~Thankyou~ ???

*Kisses*

<3

Medical Update...

2011-04-07T10:39:00.005+10:00

Michelle my Oncologist says:
CT Scans show shrinkage of mass in central Liver
She says this is ~Fabulous~ news X:-)
It is her opinion that i am one of the few folke
who just happens to be VERY sensitive to chemo...
Thus the severe edema and it will just take time to release it...
So she has suggested some 'Time Out'
...and then we will look at Hormone Therapy

My new Dr David (Palliative Care Doc) says:
That he feels the edema may be due to the steroid i am on
Both Doc's suggest i stop taking it...
Which i have after lowering the doses slowly

i have completed a series of blood and urine tests
just to have a peek around for any other possible reasons for the edema

My ~Beautiful~ (Favorite) Palliative care nurse Janette
(Who visits me at home)
says that i am doing really well X:-)
...and always asks about my 'Art Therapy' Journals

My local GP Dr Gerry Tan has been really fabulous and supportive
and gave me a hand folded ~Butterfly~ the other day...
when he knew i was feeling uncomfortable about taking the step
of a 'Disabled Sticker' for the car...

Knowing it would make my life easier my ~Gorgeous~ neighbor Rhonda
Made sure i got one by organizing me and driving me around to get it done
(Means i get car parks close to amenities and twice the parking time)

i have an appointment next week with a Lymphedema Specialist
who may have some more insights into this swelling business...

i personally wonder if my body, due to the synthetic steroid use
just needs time to 'remember' how to produce it's own natural steroids again
(ie) i'm hoping it's not a Cushing syndrome problem (i have all the symptoms)...
Even if, hopefully i just need to work on finding my natural ~Balance~ again?

Now THAT sounds familiar!

...And well for now i guess that's all Folkes!

<3

Re: Previous post

2011-04-06T17:27:00.004+10:00

~My Bloggy Friends~ you know your comments just make me CRY!!!
i am so honored to have been allowed to touch so many ~BEAUTIFUL~ lives...
i really don't understand how just sharing my 'stuff' helps so?
But i sure feel Blessed that it does...
And i want you ALL to know from my Deepest, Deepest Heart
That i get sooooo much ~more~ back from *YOU* guys...
A thousand times more...
Than you will EVER get from me...
i'm sure

i am the ~Blessed One~

i ~LOVE~ *You*

~Always~

Namaste Beautiful Ones

Luv Vicki

<3

~Heart~to~Heart

2011-04-03T10:37:00.008+10:00

Hi Guys...
It has been some time since we have have a 'proper' chat...

So i thought as last night i got some 'real' sleep for a change
(Steroids side-effect= sleep deprivation!)
and have a clearer mind... i thought how about a bloggy UPDATE
So here i am X:-)

Healthwise: i decided to cut short the chemo i was having by one week...
(Although all blood reports were showing very positive results)
Was having it every Monday with one week off...
Did five cycles... Stopped due to the side effects, that have become debilitating
i am now so bloated that simple walking has become too difficult...
( i even have been issued a disability sticker for the car!)
So i thought to myself, well we just can't have THAT!
One of my main concerns, was that i was becoming quite depressed
and was finding my ~Healing~ on an emotional level too tiring...
And if you know me well, you will understand that
that is HOW i go about my ~Healing~ and how VERY important it is to me...
So the chemo had to finish a bit sooner, but my Oncologist agreed
(Given my physical state where my weight due to edema
has increased to 100 kilos!!!)

As an example to you, just how bloated my poor bod is...
my legs have 'sprung leaks' which need constant care
as they can become infected (Which i am struggling with at the moment! Grrr!)
i have weekly palliative care nurses who visit me at home
for advice and suggestions and are wonderful with organizational stuff
so in that respect i am very well cared for...
Anyway SO THAT is the whingy side of myself that has kept me to myself quite a bit lately
And due to this whingy side of myself, the lack of mobility and because this bloated~ness
is not just confined to my legs but all over... and i mean ALL over! (EVEN my butt cheeks!)

Sighhhhhh... i donot resemble ~myself~ at all! (If i rely on a mirror image)
and that in it's self is quite confronting, BUT of course a part of the process...
In the teaching me what 'holding on' is/does to you physically
and to understand what releasing is all about...
i also recognize this on a global level (With all the Earth Quakes/Tsunami/Floods/Fires)
and see ~Mother Nature~ as my reflection of this process also...

Some of the ~energy work~ that i have managed ...
Has involved working on my ~Mother-Daughter~ relationship
My ~Daughter-Mother~ relationships, my ~Mother-Son~ relationship
AND of course my marriage...
i have been doing this work through my diary's (That i have kept since i was 9yrs old)
and of course through communication and my...Art Journalling (Art Therapy i guess)...

It has been quite exhausting at times, as i have discovered all the anger
and feelings that i have swallowed over the years...
then i have burned the diary's and worked in my journal/s...
Some of the most interesting insights have been the 'gaps' within the books...
The silences in the pages where i have swallowed the words instead of writing them down...
Discovering all this one can then understand all this bloating
(on the emotional level) and it all makes complete sense on the physical!
My wonderful cousin and Healer ~Shantaya~ has helped me enormously
with understanding how my world reflects ~myself~
which intellectually i have been taught and 'know'
but it is a completely different thing
when it comes to the actual applying to oneself i am afraid
and i cannot express how much i ~Love~ her Wonderful and Selfless Insights
and Patience and Love she has shown me even as i have pushed her away
in fearing to ~Hear~ the ~Truth~ ...She is a wonderful mentor and teacher X:-)

So tomorrow i see my Oncologist to recieve my latest CT scan results
then Tuesday i see a new Doctor who works in the palliative care area
and hopfully can give me some help and advice on the physical level
Because how to achieve better ~Quality of Life~is his 'thing'
and do you know how i know all will be well?
Remember how ~The Other Side~ promised to keep giving me "signs"
that they were working with me and to remind me that i was not alone?...
Yes you guessed it they have sent me another "David"...
...All my Doctors have been "Davids" X:-)
(And 'they' have been flashing the lights too! Funny old ~Spirits~!)

Some of the amazing insights i have had have involved my ~children~
For example as i have learned on an emotional level to ~let go~
they have (without any knowledge of what i have experienced)
they have come to me with wise insights or dreams or experiences
that have been direct reflections of what i have been working on/with
My mum has been very patient with my honesty of the past...
Letting go of 'mother issues' is very difficult
(as anyone who has attempted it will understand)
and must also be hard to ~hear~ but she has been patient and kind
and i ~Love~ her for this showing of her ~Love~

i also had this fixation that i must be the family 'fixer'...
and have worried about family relationships and how i must try to 'fix' them
until my cous helped me to understand that what i was really trying to do
was 'fix' myself...
For example i discovered that i was angry with one of my favorite Aunty's for her divorce
(which was years ago i might add!)... i started to feel angry as i did my healing work
but couldn't figure out why i should be angry with her until i made her my mirror image...
And discovered i was not actually angry with her,
but angry with myself for MY lack of conviction and bravery
in relationships of my own...
Another very favorite Aunty i wanted to 'fix' her relationships with her sisters
Rose colored glasses and all that, until i realized that my Aunty's issues with her sisters
were actually my issues with myself and was all about my own self-esteem
and how that reflected in the men that i chose as partners in my life...

I have discovered that we all come to ~This Place~ to ~Learn~ these things
intellectually i have come to understand these lessons...
but my ~Heart~ has had to learn these things and i am a stubborn woman
i have also discovered... and so my lessons come with a kick so that i donot miss them!

The Liver is the second biggest organ of the body and is all about cleansing and letting go
Most breast cancer if it metastases traditionally (but not always)
goes, breast, bone, lung and then liver...
i went breast to central liver, with no chance of surgery...
i recon that's a big sign don't you, about the 'work' i'm ~here~ to do...

Essentially it's all about ~Loving and Caring~ for each other
(ie) Mother Nature's current actions...

Which if you see it as a ~Reflection of Self~
...is all about ~Love of Self~

Which is All and the Same...

i Love YOU

<3

EARTH HOUR

2011-03-26T20:46:00.003+11:00

http://www.earthhour.org/Homepage.aspx

This year in Melbourne...

Earth Hour is on Saturday 26th March 2011, at 8.30pm...

That's NOW folks... Got the candles on?

(Ps) My Bryce reminded me this year ♥

HaPPy BirthDAy My Beautiful Lara

2011-03-22T08:24:00.004+11:00

To my Dearest Lara...

On the day that you were born the ~Angels~ got together
and asked me if i wanted to stay...
i remember thinking how easy it would be to let go...
i remember thinking that all i had to do was close my eyes and i could ~slip~
into the ~Never-Never~ ...and i remember thinking how sweet it felt...
To let go ever so softly... to shift my focus... from this bright room, into someplace softer...
But as the the room started fade... there was a blinding flash...and i was back...
And there you were... after a little sprucing up... Looking up at me...

Later when we had our first quiet moments together, without the rest of the world's noise...
i remember looking at you and as the tears fell down my cheeks...
i remember thinking that i had never seen anything so ~Beautiful~
And i remember this day of your Birth today...
On the Celebration of the day of your Birth today...
For it is You my Darling baby girl, you my last born child... that i ~Thank~
For it is you my ~Angel~ who reminds me of my ~Journey~ here...
It is You who is my ~Garden Faerie~ Angel~ who keeps me grounded, who makes me laugh
and who challenges me to stay and face this world's challenges...

And i ~Love You~ for this Gift my Baby~Girl
and i wish You Love my ~Angel~
and a very ~Happy 14th Birthday~ today...

Because i will Be Loving You Always and Forever for the True and Beautiful Gift that You are...

Loving You Always, Mum

*Laughing* (Lara's latest FB profile pic!!!)

<3

A Date with ~Super Moon~

2011-03-19T18:29:00.004+11:00

Tonight here in AussyLand... March 19th... The world will witness an exceptional celestial treat - with the moon making its closest approach to the earth.... This lunar event is known as super moon...Don't miss it!

<3

Some Celtic Cross ~Love~

2011-03-18T17:05:00.004+11:00

My sis sent this to me today as she is considering this tattoo...
which i think is Gorgeous...

But what struck me more particularly personally was the idea of sitting and meditating with this Celtic Wisdom...

"With the abeyance of the ancient Druids, so too vanished centuries of accumulated oral wisdom about the Celtic way of thinking, about their faith and their symbolic perception of the Celtic cross meaning.
What remains of Celtic understanding comes to us from Roman writings (which, are biased at best). We can also turn to Christian monks for understanding about the faith of the Celts as it was their charge to transcribe much of their mythology. Even here we see religious projection and grand liberties of supposition about how the Celts exhibited their faith.
So where does that leave us in deciphering the grander meaning of their symbols of faith? I think it's our responsibility to dive into the collective energy of the ancient Celts and resurface with our own personal understanding.
We can do this by objectively studying the Celts from the literature offered. We can also meditate with the Celts. Energy does not recognize linear time (our scientists have validated this), so there's no reason why we can't sit with the ancient Celts with intent to discuss, learn, and observe them.
They are, after all, our energetic kin. Just like families get together to share, I believe we can sit at the table of the ancients and swap stories in our meditations.
I've spent time contemplating, reading, observing (and done some raucous partying with) the Celts, and this page is a result of the treasures I found swimming about in their energetic waters.
A few quick-keywords to enhance our understanding of the Celtic cross meaning:

* Transition
* Balance
* Honor
* Faith
* Unity
* Temperance
* Ascension
* Hope
* Life
* Navigation

The symbolism of the Celtic cross (especially the equal-armed cross in which each protrusion is equidistant from the center) is indicative of the human desire to know and experience the unfolding mystery of life. We could say that mystery can unfold in a 4-fold pattern in which the arms of the cross offer four ways to ascension, an invitation too bjectively know:

* Self
* Nature
* Wisdom
* God/Goddess

The cross is also a symbol representing the meeting place of the Divine energies. At the center of the cross-section (illustrated below) is the energetic touchstone where a concentration of cosmic power resides (symbolically).
Celtic cross serves as a meditative focal point

If each cross arm symbolizes a branch of higher wisdom, and if there is a encircling symbol to represent unification of these four elements, then the center of the cross will be a focal point that is our spiritual destination. Indeed, should we meditate on the Celtic cross, and laser in on the very center of it - our energies begin to hone in, and centralize into this exhilarating experience of oneness. Try it. The sensation of oneness, wholeness and unity is palpable.
The Celtic cross meaning can also represent navigation. In fact, we can look to the cross as a symbolic compass, guiding us through a spiritual sea. In this analogy the cross can serve as a stable guidepost that always leads us to our "true north."
Here are a few forms of navigation the Celtic cross offers:

* Spiritual navigation:
When we find ourselves tossed by tumultuous seas of life, the symbolic attributes of the cross can re-center our focus and move our thoughts in the right direction. By affirming the symbolic meanings of the cross, we set our spirit on solid ground. Walk the cross in your mind, recounting the 4 arms of spiritual deeper knowing: Self, Nature, Wisdom and the Divine. This can put a gentle spiritual wind back in our sails, and sets us back on course.
* Cyclical navigation:
The Celtic cross meaning also deals with the transition of the seasons, and even mark the four Celtic fire festivals (Samhain, Imbolc, Beltain, Lughnasadh). These were massively profound events for the Celt as they defined a clear mark of transition. These distinct time delineations would provide stability in an otherwise uncertain and transitional world. Each festival prompted specific activities associated with the time of year in which they fell. The Celtic cross may well have been a reminder of the transition of time, the transitory nature of our lives, and a call to relish the different flavor each turn of the earth provides.
* Time navigation:
Not only could the Celtic cross mark the four seasons (punctuated by the Celtic fire festivals), but the cross could also delineate day and night. If we consider the horizontal bar of the cross as a literal horizon, the top half would symbolize sunrise, and the lower half sunset. This would be particularly relevant when we see a circle around the cross - we get the sense of the earth as an orb, and the sun rising above her contour (upper 1/2 of semi circle in the cross) and vice versa. But, given the spiritual connotations of the cross, I'm of a mind to denote a rising and setting of consciousness. For example, visualize your divine awareness rising and setting like the sun, with the center of the cross as a focal point for balance.

What about the vertical crossbar? Intuitively, I feel this represents the past and future with the center point representing the present. Celtic kind established westerly direction with a reflective quality (looking back, recollecting) and a forward quality (forecasting, looking to the future) to the east. We can quantify this by their observation of the setting sun (in the west) as a goodbye to the day. Likewise, the dawning sun (to their east) would be a harbinger of newness, a welcome to the future day.

A word about circles around the cross:
This added element of the Celtic cross brings meaning of unification, totality, wholeness and inclusion. With all the powerful insights we've discussed in this article, it makes good spiritual sense to want to include all this virtue. That inclusion can be symbolically represented by encircling the cross.
These are just a few observations on the Celtic cross meaning. As always, I encourage you to do your own research. Symbolism is about expressing personal power on multiple levels. The Celtic cross can be a source of major power, but not until you make it personal."

Thankyou Linda *Kisses*

<3

a mUST LOOK bOOK ?

2011-03-17T15:24:00.005+11:00

ONE... bY vICTORIA aLEXANDER

i think i'm going to ~Love~ this one...

One is a celebration of individuality and life. Author Victoria Alexander writes with humour and wisdom about the importance of believing in and valuing ourselves. She reminds us to trust in ourselves, try things on for size, take risks and ask for what we want — after all, we might just get it. At its heart, this beautifully layered collection of stories, quotes, reflections and evocative images is about the power of choice and about enjoying life, with all its shifts and changes. Its message is universal: accept who you are and who you can be, whether you live alone, or whether you are one of many. From Victoria Alexander: ‘One is an affirmation of self. A book about living as one and loving it. My photographs are from everywhere, all over, and mixed up to remind you and me that we are all one. Wherever we’re from. Wherever we may be going. We all share a desire to find contentment. My hope is that you too know we have one thing in common: a need to be able to count on ourselves.'

<3

~Art journal Insights~

2011-03-07T11:10:00.006+11:00

Small Treasures from Within...

"Within Ourselves there is a Deep Place
At whose edge we may sit and Dream..."
-Lehrman

Of ~Girlhood Dreams~

Even though i was Born a True Believer of Love
Emotional separation created a Safe Haven...
as my contradicting Life Experiences caused me to bury my Emotions Deeply and Safely in the ~Make Believe~

Of House and Home...

When Creating an inviting Haven, a Place of the Heart, a Place to Dream...
My Creative Freedom was a Stormy Relationship...
Now i have a ~Spirit House~ where Hearts are Planted...
These are now the Breathings of my ~Heart~

Of my Teenage Years...

My Love and Dreams were an Endless Echo
and like an Actor in a play i searched for Acceptance in the Silence
and in the Invisible i became distracted by my Heart

But then as i Grew and Dared to Dream...
the Essence of me started to Understand that i was made of Many Threads
...and this allowed the Roses to Bloom

♥

I'm not Lost...

2011-03-05T16:01:00.003+11:00

i'm just ~Nolly Posh Dreaming~

On these fine early Autumn days
i am ~Healing my Soul~ by burning my old diary's
...and releasing the past

i am turning my pain into ~Art~

and it makes my Heart feels lighter...

And the ~Angels~ send the 'Little Birds' to sing in Celebration

♥

Dear New Zealand

2011-02-22T13:45:00.003+11:00

Sending you ~Prayers~ and ~Love~

To our Dear Neighbors on the Earthquake
that has hit ChristChurch today...

May ~Angels~ be with you

<3

My Sunday Dreaming...

2011-02-20T10:23:00.010+11:00

i would ~Love~ a Garden Retreat...

...a little garden ~Dreaming House~

...it could be a Gorgeous 1950's van

or a glass house made from old recycled windows...

...and then of course there would be a garden frog/fish pond

and a little picket fence...

(Ps) Found the fab vintage caravans HERE

<3

Simple Beauty...

2011-02-18T09:25:00.005+11:00

http://artandghosts.squarespace.com/journal-old/

http://www.millerworlds.blogspot.com/

And last nights ~Beautiful things~ were...
a Summers Eve eating the last few Apples from our tree
and fresh Blackberries freshly picked too...

Ahhh i Love a ~Simple Life~

<3

About last night...

2011-02-15T13:52:00.005+11:00

Mum and i were having a conversation last night
...about Dad

We were chatting, just the two of us, about the two small albums
that were recovered from my Grandmother's estate on her death
a few years ago...

These two tiny albums were the only photo's of my parents Engagement
and Wedding day and were held in emotional ransom from my Mum
when my parents divorced when i was only 10yrs old... by my Father's Mother

My Mum had put together the Engagement album herself...
and Dad had the processed the wedding photo's in a home made darkroom
after the photographer had ruined most of the the original negatives and photo's...

For many years this was a deep hurt for my Mother and upsetting for my Sister and i, as due to a rather nasty divorce, we had never seen many of the photo's at all... So last night we were chatting about them and how beautiful they were in all their simplicity...

...and about how my Dad had been my Mum's first ~True Love~

As the conversation continued we started to notice that one of the lamps in my lounge room was flicking annoyingly, so as i had three lamps on, i got up and switched it off...
Then abruptly the other two lamps started... sighhhh, the globes were only just new i mentioned and shouldn't have been playing up like this...

And then a thought occurred to me and i ~smiled~ as i looked over at my Mum...

The lamps flicked a few more times at our acknowledgment of my Dad's presence in the room with us and then stopped... And as my Heart warmed on last nights ~Valentines Eve~
i knew my Dad in ~Spirit~ had been drawn close by the ~Love~ we had felt for him

Such is the ~Magic~

<3

HaPPy Valentines Day

2011-02-14T06:06:00.002+11:00

Image from:

http://www.giftwrappedandgorgeous.co.uk/hwr-designs_1077-products.asp

<3

My latest Op Shop Bargain...

2011-02-11T12:54:00.003+11:00

In the spirit of my ~Spring cleaning~ mode

Today i found a $30 bargain...
A craft/scrapbooking trolley/tote
It's new (!!!) and fits all my Art Journalling/craft supplies
and best of all... it's mobile!

Whoo! Hoo!

*Note pic is Google image as my camera is on the blink
(Mine is green & black)

Have had some fabulous luck lately in Op Shops...
(Mum and i do a bit of a wander as a treat on chemo days)
Some latest treasures include...
a beautiful white shabby chic wooden tea trolley $5
and x3 sun~lounges from the 60's...
($2, $8 and x1 freee from my gorgeous neighbor)

Lucky meee!

X:-)

Some of my latest Journal Pages...

2011-02-06T10:37:00.002+11:00

i am also doing a heap of ~Spring cleaning~

...and it feels sooo good!

X:-)

Sending Prayers...

2011-02-02T16:33:00.002+11:00

To my fellow Aussies preparing themselves for cyclone Yasi

May ~Angels~ stay close to you

<3

HEALING MEDITATIONS

2011-01-26T10:31:00.004+11:00

...And their insights

Journeying within recently has been an interesting path to travel

as always my stepping within has revealed much about the physical path i currently travel

i have discovered resistance and some anger, still hiding in the pink corners of my Liver

She is an interesting part of myself, my Liver, full of secret hurts and deep emotions...

and pathways to travel...

i have been experiencing severe full body oedema, slightly more on my left side

and peripheral neuropathy of my hands, feet and tongue...

...And i have been angry and sad at the 'loss' i have felt of ~self~

Where have i gone? Where is my control of healing? Who is that woman in the mirror?

What had become of my Trust?

So i sat in the soft green dappled sunshine beneath our Liquid Amber Tree

and asked these questions of myself... and of course my ~healing~ began...

i discovered that with the 'holding on' of fluid within my body i was resisting my healing

i discovered i was angry at this loss of control...

The numbness of my extremities a further confirmation that i was not loving my direction...

not loving what i needed to do...

(Book References: Your Body is the Barometer of the Soul - Annette Noontil

and Heal Your Body - Louise L Hay)

Within my meditation i discovered these insights to be True of me

i was not ~Trusting~ i was not letting go of that which needed releasing

i was not ~Listening~ to the signs and synchronicity...

unknowingly i had closed my eyes to the journey...

And so now in the light of these understandings, i continue

and address the cleansing that still needs to Be...
i do so in my Heart and my Spirit and my physical environment
and in this, i have opened the door again for ~Love~ to step in...

While in meditation some Mud Larks (Birds) stepped into my garden
come to remind me that i am on a journey into the feminine
(Book Reference Animal dreaming - Scott Alexander king)
And in this understanding i discovered that i had been denying my ~Life Force~
resisting the changes that i need to accept in order to move forward into Healing

i have now come to understand that is a time of moving forward into the next stage of my feminine identity
and involves a powerful cleansing process of which my Liver is well aware
She guides me, she talks to me of my lineage of women, the history of my genes
of the words that need to be spoken and she tells me to be unafraid...
for this is a walk with the gentle strength of women...
She tells me that these insights will be the way forward into my ~Truth~

Already i have been wrapped in these understandings
for i have opened my ~Heart~
and have been sent women of strength and courage and knowledge
and we have shared our insights...

For this is why we come...

For this Learning is what i am

For this is the journeying i was Born to

And so Be it whispers my ~Heart~

i continue on...

<3

The Unspoken

2011-01-18T17:40:00.005+11:00

Conversations aren't always spoken are they...

sometimes they are simply a glance...

or a smile...

a touch...

or a tear...

or even an unexpected high five...

Yesterday my conversations were all these things...

in the chemo ward

<3

HOPE

2011-01-16T12:09:00.002+11:00

You just know that we gotta do this...

http://www.woodstocklily.com/2011/01/hope-rocks-starts-today_13.html

<3

An added clarification note...

2011-01-13T16:07:00.005+11:00

*For the comments i received from my last post:

i think upon this and other natural disasters we are having and have had both here in Australia (For instance the dreadful fires we had so close to my own home not so long ago when my family had to evacuate) and those others around the world, tsunamis, earthquakes, volcano eruptions & etc... and it has taught me to look at the bigger picture...

And i see people come together in ways that they never would have before, i see heartbreak teach lessons that could never be understood otherwise, i see death help people to understand life and survival help people to appreciate what they have... i do not have a cold heart or take these things lightly, i cry when i hear of the death of children & see the anguish in their parents hearts reflected in mine and it teaches me to hold my children dearer... i come to understand that life is so much more precious when my own mortality is faced and my doc talks to me about Quality of Life and not survival rates... How else could i talk to the little boy that lives over my back fence about his little friend that just died of cancer while i still stand there hanging out the washing...

In my worlde everything becomes meaningful, not in some hippy hide my head in the sand kind of way, but in a clear cut sometimes harsh way that cuts through all the shite and reveals the magic... Mother Nature is a tough teacher as all my best have always been... We have forgotten how to listen to her and so we do things in what sometimes seems the hard way...

We are ~here~ for such Lessons i can only believe in my Heart for this is what makes sense of all of the what would otherwise seem utter madness and revenge of The Gods...

By ' a cleansing' i mean of the Spirit, the Heart, the Soul...
i Believe, you see, in such things, because they speak to my Heart, and i take my experiences and the lessons of others experiences too and try to make them make a difference...

In these difficult times of floods i have seen bearded Angels with tears in their eyes who have lost everything hold tight to their only surviving pet, i have seen people risking their own lives to hold the heads of horses until they reach dry land and survival, i see such huge Hearts in the most ordinarily unassuming types and it teaches me that i have more to give myself... These 'hard times' teach me that i have a reason to Be, just as it will teach those survivors of these floods... It will bring our communities together more, as they should be and it will teach us to share and give and hold each other closer than before... Whether we choose it to Be so or not for that, is in my mind, the true nature of such 'disasters' and sadness~es ...

And isn't that interesting that just now my local fire siren should choose this moment to howl for local volunteers to come to a rescue of some sort...

<3

These cleansing times...

2011-01-12T07:57:00.006+11:00

..."Australia, a land of droughts and flooding rains"... Sending ~Love~ & Strength to all those struggling with these floods... So difficult these cleansing times that Mother Earth sends us on so many different levels but cleansing times they Be whispers my Heart ♥ ♥ ♥

"I love a sunburnt country,

A land of sweeping plains,

Of ragged mountain ranges,

Of droughts and flooding rains..."

Dorothea Mackellar - "My Country"

...i am coming to understand that it is time
to let go of All that does not serve me... us...

Whether it Be fire, rain or illness
it is time to let go... Time to ~Trust~

Perhaps only then will we make the space for...
our Truest ~Hearts Desire~

<3

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2011-01-01T17:12:00.003+11:00

And because it's my birthday too...

i've been celebrating with a Will and Grace movie feast all day...

i know... Doesn't that just explain so much more about me now!

Lol!

(Ps) i got some great perfume!

<3

i can feel your Heartbeat...

2010-12-30T16:29:00.006+11:00

My Christmas has been quiet and peaceful and gentle...
Like floating...
Our tree was white this year, with pink baubles...
Very Shabby chic (Much to my Lara's disgust as she is truly a traditionalist!)
And i filled the branches with all the beautiful Christmas cards that came our way...

Then the day before yesterday i had a compulsion to put together this journal page below...
i didn't understand it and i could find no words for it...
it was frustrating to me... But i let it Be...

Then yesterday i had a conversation with a family member
and the page became ~Alive~ with meaning...
Words of wisdom were shared and a place deep within me was reminded
of the journey and my part within it...

Then this morning another sharing was gifted me...
And although it had shades of the previous nights conversation
it was different and unlike the night before
i felt thrown onto a ships deck in a dark uncertain sea...

Unlike the turmoil in my mind...
the words were quiet, sacred and secrets were spoken and shared...
but as hard as i tried i lost some of the words in the roaring that filled my ears......
and all the certainty of the conversation that i had grasped with both hands the night before...
fell like sand between my fingers

i became unsure of the words that began to fall from my mouth...
The words that needed to be heard as part of my duty, my journey and purpose
and i was separated from my body as my ship tipped upside down in the waves

The journal page continues to reach out to me...
and my journey continues to teach me

But my Dearest One all i can feel is your Heartbeat...

<3

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2010-12-22T11:19:00.002+11:00

...and YES this is how Santa does it Down~Under!

Love and Best Wishes for the Festive Season
my Wonderful Bloggy Friends *Kisses*

<3

Guess what!

2010-12-18T09:12:00.002+11:00

It was GOOD news!

Had my monthly visit with my Doc...

Her words were... "I think we are onto a good thing!"

*Smile*

News doesn't get much better than that now does it!?!

Whoo! Hoo!

X:-)

Are we there yet?

2010-12-09T08:13:00.006+11:00

I'm going to be honest with you...
Part of the reason, i believe i am ill, is due to my emotional health...
In my particular case the BC relates to my relationship with my husband
and thus ultimately, because i believe that all is a reflection of the self
this is ultimately about me and the way i relate to my worlde...

Cancer = is long held anger
Left breast = relationship with partner (Right is with the world at large)
Liver is where we process and let go of our emotions
So there is no surprises here is there... Liver overload!

I have known of this for a long time, deep within...
Pregnant and then married for all the wrong reasons
(To appease an insecure partner)
More children to fill the empty days i spent alone due to a workaholic partner

I did with my life ALL the things i promised myself
as a young and independent woman, that i would never do!
i became such a cliche!
But i felt compelled (i can explain it no other way)
To work through my mess, to find the meaning in the all the pain
and the loss and the sadness and the anger that filled my every cell...

But it has taken a long time...
i have cried until the tears no longer came
i tried to be 'perfect' until i realised that there was no such thing!
i tried to speak of the pain i could not understand,
until my friends became weary
i put everything into my beautiful children forgetting myself
pretending that my~self was not important
i eventually allowed the pain to close my heart
and like a faerie tale, it became a cold painful crystal in my chest

In a way i died... then my life reflected that death
and my Dad died (of a sudden asthma attack)
and my first born nearly died (Of anaphylactic shock)
and then my life became simply about surviving every day
and like a zombie i would wake up each morning
surprised that the pain in my heart had not killed me...
i would wake up every morning and smile at the world and pretend
that i was happily married...
and nobody knew except my very closest of family and friends

And this became the process of my awakening...
i slowly discovered that i was but a human
i found that i was but flesh and bone and vulnerable
i found that others were like me, suffering silently
and like me not brave enough to hear the calling from within

This has been a painful process
i am not perfect, i am faulty and full of contradictions
i am still angry and sad and regretful... about some things
Especially the example i have set my children...

But in this journey i have discovered
that illness has come to teach me how to ~Live~
Illness has come to introduce me to my ~Soul~
and as i listen to the emerging voice from within...
Meaning begins to surface ...and i hear the voice of my Heart

This is not a journey for the faint hearted i have discovered
and requires my full commitment...
And at times i slip and fall because i am human
Sometimes i pull the covers over my head and get lazy
and think to myself, just what would it be... to give up?

And then inevitably something ~Magical~ will happen
to remind me that i am not alone...
That the journey with my husband has taught me much about myself
that i could never have discovered by myself...
That my children are God's gifts come to teach me of ~Love~
and save me from myself...
That i have purpose and significance and a reason to BE

And so this morning as i look at my poor ailing body
that seems so distorted and foreign to me now
and write these heartfelt words
i whisper to my self that not all is lost...
That pain is workable, that cells renew and that ~Miracles~
are simply decisions of the Heart...

to ~Heal~

<3

My Heart strings

2010-12-04T16:33:00.005+11:00

Hi Guys Thankyou for all your lovely comments...
i have been working hard on working out how to manage these side effects
and i think i have a little system WORKING now! So Yey!
Which is fab as i can finally get some chores done around the house now such as... a cook up!

Yes a cook up for my beautiful firstborn as she is off on her first holiday on her own next week (!!!)
Well she is with friends, but this is different to being to being on a supervised school camp or with family as in the past...
So today i have been cooking and freezing food, to help ease the extra organization she has dealing with her food allergies away from home...

Now the next thing i need to be able to do is to ~let her go~ when she leaves tomorrow... With ~Love~ and not fear! ...Geez EVERYTHING about my Life at the moment involves THOSE two little words...

~Letting go~

~Letting go~ is ~Letting Be~ i guess and ~Trusting~ that ~All will Be Well~

With all that is going on here lately... Letting my baby (now 18yrs!) go, is the hardest of all...
It's silly of me i know... She is very mature for her age and more than capable of looking after herself... But this letting go pulls at my Heart Strings... First times are always the worst right... Remind me that it will get easier... Remind me that when she had her first driving lesson i felt the same... When she stayed the night over at a friends house for the first time... When she first started kinder... school... Remind me that i will survive this too... i know she will...

And that ~Angels~ Always watch over her

This i know is True... in my poor 'ol battered Heart

i just need a reminder ~Hug~

<3

Angels watching over me

2010-11-30T21:08:00.005+11:00

Hi guys...

Just to let you know why i haven't been around much in bloggy worlde lately... It is because i have been having a few probs with chemo side-effects... Nothing too serious, as i have seen others with much worse... But the main one for me being uncontrolled painful fevers that leave me exhausted and bedridden... But today i was reminded that everything has a reason and that i am never alone... In the middle of some severe fevers last night (When i probably should have been in hospital) i decided instead to ~Trust~ my instincts by taking a hugely reduced amount of meds that my doc had recommended and started taking some drops for fever that my Kinesiologist/Homeopath had given me and i called for my ~Spirit helpers~ to be by my side for their help and supervision ... I awoke at 5am drenched in sweat and with NO fever... i had slept (!!!) about 4hrs straight and during that time the fever had peaked and ceased... (Last week after chemo i had lower fevers and they lasted a week with no relief)... Pretty amazing stuff hey! ...So i am still puddling along but needing heaps of rest, which is okay as it is officially holiday time for school kids... so for me too i recon!

So the miracles continue both small and large as i was over the moon to hear all the wonderful news for our Dearest SweetMango and Stellan... And when my mum rang me today with my Astrology readings (From the newspaper that have been amazingly accurate for me lately) with a reading that actually made me weep because it spoke of the fact that i am feeling a bit lost with what is happening to me at the moment but not to despair for my Spirit help is close by and that i am still on the journey and that i will soon see that these ups and downs have purpose...

So i figure it's all about ~Trust and Love~

And Thankyou my dear Bloggy Friends for being my Traveling Companions throughout my ups and downs and for all the ~Love~ that i know you continue to send me... i am Blessed indeed

X:-)

More pages...

2010-11-25T15:51:00.005+11:00

Hi guys,
More pages talking about what is going on i guess...

An Aussy Christmas coming up...

Learning to speak my mind...
Instead of holding on to it in my liver!

~Miracle~ reminder...

My prayers...

And yep... Accepting myself!

X:-)

Healing Me...

2010-11-22T08:18:00.008+11:00

Hi Guys X:-) Yes i'm back home now and getting back on track...
Thankyou All so much for all your support and ~Love~
i really do feel it filling my ~Heart~ ...Like a petrol pump!
The hospital stay actually gave me a chance to rest and re-coop
and i realized that i really do need to listen more to my body...
She has been telling me to rest up more than i have, to find more Balance...
So i am listening now for my ~Healing~ depends on it...
My hospital stay also reminded me that this path that i walk
is so much less about illness and so much more about the Journey...
i met some lovely people, had some wonderful conversations...
Some even syncronistic (of course!)...

And i realized that Life really is *Magical* when you drop the fear...
and you simply stay tuned into the energy that surrounds you
and ~Trust~

Yes i am listening and learning to stay in the moment X:-)

My Art Journal-ling has been my savior and after the first few days...
i began to work through my experiences through this subconscious process
and even had nurses coming in asking to see my latest endeavors!
i found myself confidently talking about the process...
and how important i have found that healing be on both the physical and emotional levels

So here is where i show you all that i have been doing...

i am going to talk a little on some of the pics as i have started to hear some messages...

They are coming in loud and strong and i believe some come from my higher wisdom...

and some come from somewhere deeper...

Reminding me... to rise above my troubles

So true... Everyone is ~Special~

i am always surprised when i stop and review the details...
For instance the stone men within the jar and the reminder
of our shifting consciousness as a people...

Tee! Hee! Well deep inside i am a little X;-)

i like the idea of Be~ing vibrantly in the moment
Deep within... all these elements of the feminine

My Tamsyn loved this one...
Interestingly i thought of her as i created it...

i particularly like this one...
Where one side of her searches the Heavens for her answers...
Yet her Deeper Self understands that one needs to go to ones ~Heart~ for such answers...

What's Your Element?

~Love~ this one... Embracing my wild side!

*Moonlight and Magic*

Keeping calm remembering i am never alone...

Tamsyn visited me on this day in hospital...
and added the ~For eternity~

That's me! Inspired by the adventure!

Yep this one is for my little Lara...
She ~Loves~ Christmas!

Reminding myself to stay tuned in to Mother Nature

Yep it's a magical old Life...
It's all in the extra~ordinary things...

They happen all the time...

Learning to Embrace my Shadow~side...

i like that the Rosemary... for remembrance
made an appearance here...
Remember that as i put together these stories...
i simply look in my box of cut outs and place
i try to put very little conscious thought into the process
So it's the *Magic* of the detail that always surprises me!

i ~Love~ Day~dreaming...

A little break with some white background...

More Chrissy stuff... i ~Love~ the Chrissy~Tree girl

And finally... Yep that's ma job!

<3

Heeey Everyone

2010-11-17T16:57:00.006+11:00

Bryce Here (Vicki's Son),

Mum has asked me to drop a note on her blog to let you know that she has been abit un-well and has been in hospital this past week. But the doctors discovered today that she has been having a reaction to one of the cemo's that she is on and so now she is on the road to recovery and will be back blogging as soon as she can. And she wants to let you know, that just after the doctors worked out what was going on with her, a single solitary dragon-fly flew past her hospital window, so all is well she says and sends her love also.

You know it's sneaking closer...

2010-11-10T17:36:00.001+11:00

...And i kind of like the 40's
Tin~Man thing a-happening in this one

X:-)

More art

2010-11-09T08:04:00.003+11:00

The Faeries are never far from me <3

With this double page spread as you can see...

~Cakes~ are on my mind for my eldest turns 18 this w/end!

And yes of course i am a ~Dream believer~

<3

The color of White

2010-11-08T08:52:00.002+11:00

Decided yesterday to run a white paged journal as well

and brought out my soft pastels for a work out...

Today i'm thinking i might try out my water color pencils

Weeeeee!

<3

Unfinished tales

2010-11-07T12:31:00.003+11:00

Interestingly some pages just keep needing to speak...

and ~today~ well it's just all about the ~Love~

<3

Feeling in the Pink

2010-11-06T15:14:00.003+11:00

And a few more art journal pages...

My favorite one so far?

~Soul and Bones gave Birth to me~

<3

More Art Journaling...

2010-11-05T08:28:00.004+11:00

Part of my ~Healing~

... it is ~Art~ from the heart afteral

<3